I still care

Originally when he left, I had only one worry, to SURVIVE! Now, I have another worry, to LIVE! I could survive and even beyond I could live to some extend, but for a person like me who wants to live life to its fullest, this wasn't enough!

It was easier at the beginning, the idea was survival having lost a love! I tried to find replacements and I comforted myself that he does not love me anymore, perhaps he didn't from the very beginning! I kept on reminding myself " I was not enough for him"

when he called first time, it was still easy: "I have no interest in having your number or talking to you" all I needed to say and things went on smoothly, till an email came from a mutual friend telling me that he is not good and he might need me...
Later, the call came, with me shouting, crying and asking to be left alone!However, it had already penetrated through my defence system! Insomnia followed with the idea that he might still have some interest! The walls I had carefully built around my heart simply cracked, I was helpless with fear; what if it becomes known that I was in love with somebody who left me behind, simply because I was not enough for his ambitions!

It hearts, feels like someone is stabbing a knife direct into my heart, it's a sharp, sudden and deep pain that takes up all the energy left in me! I am in a losing battle with the world; don't wanna give up, but have no energy left to keep me going.