Nadia

Have you ever lost your reason to live?
Have you ever been in the dilemma whether to take the next breathe in or not to take it at all?
Has the voice in your mind ever bugged you what are you doing on earth?
Has it ever bothered you, what next?

For me, these are lined up in a queue in tick box, some message popes up randomly as tick box keeps on clocking my brain like a watchdog; I have never experienced sleep-mode in my brain processor. But, I have realized that “frequency of occurrence”, “message content” or even “wording combination” are of no importance as long as you succeed to find convincing reply and send the message back to queue.
How do you know you have not succeeded? When you find yourself sitting at the edge of a window thinking which way, “in” or “out”?
It happened to me three years back when I found myself stranded in a green desert without beloved partner, promising career, reliable residence or even hope for any better future. Every night I used to spend few hours at the side of the window, puzzled over the question “which way”?
Until one day you called, one of the few times you did it in those days. For over twenty years, I can only recall of two incidents that I felt being a close friend of yours.
First time was the day you came to my house, when you had decided to get married. I saw the determination in your eyes and I told myself I’ll do all it takes to make this happen, because she wants it.
Second time was the day you called me to say that it is not working and something needs to be done about it. I sensed desperateness in your voice over the distance and told myself, I’ll do all it takes to make her happy again, because she deserves it like any other human being.
Ever since that day I stopped sitting at window edge; something changed in my life, I could never describe how or what but I know that you became my reason to live, my desire to work, my motive to pursue happiness, catch it and share it with you.
All these three years we experienced things we had never imagined, but then we learned, “what does not kill us, will only make us stronger”. We struggled, we fought, we cried, we quarreled and we learned the depth of the love we have for each other
Yesterday, I finished the book “Man’s search for meaning” by Viktor Frankl. Apparently, having finished such a book, I searched for the purpose that has driven me throughout life. The list is long, but for the past three years, I only found one: the idea of you laughing freely, thoughtlessly, joyfully and truly, knowing nothing else matters in his planet earth anymore cause the worst is already over and come what may
Thank you for being my precious and worthy reason for living in the time I needed it the most