In the material science, resilience is the ability of a material to recover its original shape after a deformation.
Taken from "The Post American World" by Fareed Zakaria
The Glass Menagerie
THe scene is memory and therefore nonrealistic. Memory takes a lot of poetic licenses. It omits details; others are exaggerated, according to the motion value of the articles it touches, for memory is seated predominantly in the heart.
Prison
what is a prison?
Boundaries in which you are not able to do certain things. Prison is a nomenclature associated with "Can't"; things you want but can't do, activities you want but can't participate in, places you want but can't go and worst of all dreams you want but can't hope for. It does not matter that you cannot fly an airplane in a prison or ride a race car or win a boxing championship, cause they are not your concern; what bothers you most are the things you like and want to do and "can't" do them.
Does this sound familiar?
How often have you wanted to go on a adventure trip? what about Africa or south America? How often have you wanted to do something exciting, like sailing, diving, or parachuting? How often have you wanted to move out of the job, relation, or a house you are stuck in? How often have you wished to shape up your dream body, or build your dream life?
Let us take one moment of silence and listen to the objections of the unconscious for doing or not doing either of these: I can't, I am too old to begin, I do not have enough money for it and I do not have the time either. We have built a luxurious prison around ourselves and are living in it happily, in front of our TV sets along with our cell-mates, known to us as family and friends. We are convinced that this is all about life and it can't be better than this.
But I have made up my mind! Prison life is over for me; I'm gonna free up myself of all the cliche of "must, must not" or "can, can't"; it will be all about "want, don't want" from now on; I am going to experience life without boundaries, wall, or barriers. Lets bring down the walls, let's make an opening, let's not be scared of guards, and let's not be demotivated by our cell-mates that still murmur "Can't be done".
Boundaries in which you are not able to do certain things. Prison is a nomenclature associated with "Can't"; things you want but can't do, activities you want but can't participate in, places you want but can't go and worst of all dreams you want but can't hope for. It does not matter that you cannot fly an airplane in a prison or ride a race car or win a boxing championship, cause they are not your concern; what bothers you most are the things you like and want to do and "can't" do them.
Does this sound familiar?
How often have you wanted to go on a adventure trip? what about Africa or south America? How often have you wanted to do something exciting, like sailing, diving, or parachuting? How often have you wanted to move out of the job, relation, or a house you are stuck in? How often have you wished to shape up your dream body, or build your dream life?
Let us take one moment of silence and listen to the objections of the unconscious for doing or not doing either of these: I can't, I am too old to begin, I do not have enough money for it and I do not have the time either. We have built a luxurious prison around ourselves and are living in it happily, in front of our TV sets along with our cell-mates, known to us as family and friends. We are convinced that this is all about life and it can't be better than this.
But I have made up my mind! Prison life is over for me; I'm gonna free up myself of all the cliche of "must, must not" or "can, can't"; it will be all about "want, don't want" from now on; I am going to experience life without boundaries, wall, or barriers. Lets bring down the walls, let's make an opening, let's not be scared of guards, and let's not be demotivated by our cell-mates that still murmur "Can't be done".
Prince Charming
who is your prince charming?
can you describe him?
can you close your eyes and tell exactly how he looks like?
can you tell how he dresses, talks, or behaves?
can you tell what personality he has?
can you tell what outstanding features or characteristics he has?
I can't!
I never was able to tell in advance how he is like or should be like! I can't follow the cliche that he is supposed to be tall, handsome (by some definition), with a smile to kill or maybe a pocket to die for! I cannot agree that there are certain types of people out there with certain characteristics who can be tagged as "potential prince charming" in a generic term. I cannot even agree that based on my needs and priorities, I can filter people and narrow them down into a group among which I can find the one. I can almost like anybody provided that he does the right thing, say the right thing and show the right attitude in the right time, but I do not define "the right" ahead of time, cause it it so relatively dependent on time and space reality that I do not bother to define it in advance.
Falling in love is a process that happens, through which we find the one and form our "Prince charming"! Was he lost? Were we unable to see him? Of course he was not lost and we did see him alright! We might even have been in vicinity of the person for a long time without any intimate interaction in between; only when we open up our eyes and heart, the process of creating some entity which can be our "prince charming" will begin. To me, it is more a "becoming" process than a "being" thing.
I selfishly believe that the prince charming is made, valued and praised by me as creator; he is like a virtual character that exists in a cyber environment and lives within its walls. His dream life as the ruler of the empire or future king will sustain as long as the program is running and the other players keep playing.
Although I do not like fairy tales as their characters are prince or princess at first place but I do like the concept of breaking spells through affection. They say once a sign of deep affection is shown in the form of a kiss then the loved one, be he or she, changes into another form of being, different form what he/she was, into what he/she can potentially be.
Just watch out, in the process of making, who you are empowering into princehood of your kingdom...
can you describe him?
can you close your eyes and tell exactly how he looks like?
can you tell how he dresses, talks, or behaves?
can you tell what personality he has?
can you tell what outstanding features or characteristics he has?
I can't!
I never was able to tell in advance how he is like or should be like! I can't follow the cliche that he is supposed to be tall, handsome (by some definition), with a smile to kill or maybe a pocket to die for! I cannot agree that there are certain types of people out there with certain characteristics who can be tagged as "potential prince charming" in a generic term. I cannot even agree that based on my needs and priorities, I can filter people and narrow them down into a group among which I can find the one. I can almost like anybody provided that he does the right thing, say the right thing and show the right attitude in the right time, but I do not define "the right" ahead of time, cause it it so relatively dependent on time and space reality that I do not bother to define it in advance.
Falling in love is a process that happens, through which we find the one and form our "Prince charming"! Was he lost? Were we unable to see him? Of course he was not lost and we did see him alright! We might even have been in vicinity of the person for a long time without any intimate interaction in between; only when we open up our eyes and heart, the process of creating some entity which can be our "prince charming" will begin. To me, it is more a "becoming" process than a "being" thing.
I selfishly believe that the prince charming is made, valued and praised by me as creator; he is like a virtual character that exists in a cyber environment and lives within its walls. His dream life as the ruler of the empire or future king will sustain as long as the program is running and the other players keep playing.
Although I do not like fairy tales as their characters are prince or princess at first place but I do like the concept of breaking spells through affection. They say once a sign of deep affection is shown in the form of a kiss then the loved one, be he or she, changes into another form of being, different form what he/she was, into what he/she can potentially be.
Just watch out, in the process of making, who you are empowering into princehood of your kingdom...
Homme
@the exit of sports club
-hi
--hi
-how are you doing?
--good, long time no seen!
-oh yes, I lost my mobile and all my contacts
--(you said the same thing last time)
oh! So how are you doing now?
-ok, you look good
--(you said the same thing last time)
thank you
-come, sit down here for a minute
--sure
-so you have been practicing more often
--well, yes, almost everyday
-oh, but what class do you do?
--anything! As long as it is morning and afternoon, I mean before or after office hours, I am not fuzzy about the class type
-oh, then I should teach you breathing techniques, you should do more of breathing! What are you doing this weekend?
--(here comes again, I bet he wants to teach it in his house)
well, I am quite busy these days…
-what time is it? what are you going to have for dinner?
--(oh, no! do not start again, we are through with this)
have not decided yet
-come, let’s go eat
--well, I can have a coffee
@starbucks
-what do you want?
--coffee! latte! what about yourself?
-I have a banana
--(then why the fuck did you invite me out for coffee, you want to sit down and enjoy watching me then at least bother to drink something, or perhaps you do not want to be busy with anything but enjoy)
ok, then I will only have my coffee
@the table
-so how do you meditate
--I just sit down and focus on my breathing and let the rest happen
-then you should follow chest breathing, see here
(gives 5 minutes demo of breathing)
--thank you for the hint, I feel more focused already
-I will teach you some more this weekend
--well, let me see how! I will call you if I am free! I'd better go now
-ok, have a good night
Needless to say the conversation is with a man! un Homme!
I am trying to understand them and and I have made no progress for the last ten years. I am still amazed when I see them sitting in front of me, struggling to find something to say! Anything that might interest me enough to continue sitting at the table! If they are bold enough, then they will try to seduce, or convince me for the night and they open a big credit account backed by their probable luck, outdated bluffs, and none-questionable charm! Since when men have become charming? Anyhow, I have no issue with their sexual drives, but why is it all they have and want! Don't they have any other interests, needs, desires, drives, motives and aspirations in life?
I consider myself a good company, attentive in conversations with a sense of humor, and knowledgeable and open minded for discussions. I seriously engage myself into sports, have a lot of fun things to do over weekend and enjoy my life in different ways. I can bee a good company for almost any kind of pass time activity but drinking! I can make lovely dishes, good coffee and deserts too. I can be sympathetic, understanding, compassionate and inspiriting if needed. Should I say more?
Let me make a bet, out of all those men that wished and wish to catch and keep me, I do not know of a single soul to have noticed any of above. These are my characteristics, these are who I am and so they have evidences written all over me, all someone needs to do is to observe! but they do not have time to observe, they only have one thing in their mind and one interest in me: "the one part of my body that they can hardly see and I also forget most of the time that I have it!
Give me a break and let me go enjoy my life! Empty up yourself some where else, isn't that why prostitution was invented? I am not against men, I am against living life the way hollywood is wishing me to live: physical seduction and materialistic joy.
If you know of any man whom you can ask "why me?" and he is capable of providing a clear reason for having picked you up, please dump him and give me his number!
-hi
--hi
-how are you doing?
--good, long time no seen!
-oh yes, I lost my mobile and all my contacts
--(you said the same thing last time)
oh! So how are you doing now?
-ok, you look good
--(you said the same thing last time)
thank you
-come, sit down here for a minute
--sure
-so you have been practicing more often
--well, yes, almost everyday
-oh, but what class do you do?
--anything! As long as it is morning and afternoon, I mean before or after office hours, I am not fuzzy about the class type
-oh, then I should teach you breathing techniques, you should do more of breathing! What are you doing this weekend?
--(here comes again, I bet he wants to teach it in his house)
well, I am quite busy these days…
-what time is it? what are you going to have for dinner?
--(oh, no! do not start again, we are through with this)
have not decided yet
-come, let’s go eat
--well, I can have a coffee
@starbucks
-what do you want?
--coffee! latte! what about yourself?
-I have a banana
--(then why the fuck did you invite me out for coffee, you want to sit down and enjoy watching me then at least bother to drink something, or perhaps you do not want to be busy with anything but enjoy)
ok, then I will only have my coffee
@the table
-so how do you meditate
--I just sit down and focus on my breathing and let the rest happen
-then you should follow chest breathing, see here
(gives 5 minutes demo of breathing)
--thank you for the hint, I feel more focused already
-I will teach you some more this weekend
--well, let me see how! I will call you if I am free! I'd better go now
-ok, have a good night
Needless to say the conversation is with a man! un Homme!
I am trying to understand them and and I have made no progress for the last ten years. I am still amazed when I see them sitting in front of me, struggling to find something to say! Anything that might interest me enough to continue sitting at the table! If they are bold enough, then they will try to seduce, or convince me for the night and they open a big credit account backed by their probable luck, outdated bluffs, and none-questionable charm! Since when men have become charming? Anyhow, I have no issue with their sexual drives, but why is it all they have and want! Don't they have any other interests, needs, desires, drives, motives and aspirations in life?
I consider myself a good company, attentive in conversations with a sense of humor, and knowledgeable and open minded for discussions. I seriously engage myself into sports, have a lot of fun things to do over weekend and enjoy my life in different ways. I can bee a good company for almost any kind of pass time activity but drinking! I can make lovely dishes, good coffee and deserts too. I can be sympathetic, understanding, compassionate and inspiriting if needed. Should I say more?
Let me make a bet, out of all those men that wished and wish to catch and keep me, I do not know of a single soul to have noticed any of above. These are my characteristics, these are who I am and so they have evidences written all over me, all someone needs to do is to observe! but they do not have time to observe, they only have one thing in their mind and one interest in me: "the one part of my body that they can hardly see and I also forget most of the time that I have it!
Give me a break and let me go enjoy my life! Empty up yourself some where else, isn't that why prostitution was invented? I am not against men, I am against living life the way hollywood is wishing me to live: physical seduction and materialistic joy.
If you know of any man whom you can ask "why me?" and he is capable of providing a clear reason for having picked you up, please dump him and give me his number!
Being Human
I used to have a very good friend who believed, strong women had no choice but to be strong. In other words, their life circumstances confronted them with the ugly truth of living and thought them to be strong, needless to say, it is a matter of choice, they chose to be strong.
We choose to be strong, independent, untouchable and self-sufficient. Did I say it is not easy? Let me be honest, it is damn though! Many days, I just wish that I could let go of the tears, of the load, of the heart and of the guards that I have surrounded myself with; but each time I give in, the ugly truth turns up, I just don’t know why he is always on time, I can’t stop the fight to take a breathe cause he will just come up and hit me at the back harder than ever.
Did I say how much I miss being a fragile, dependant, none-resilient, needful doll? It has become a wish, to never come true! It has become a desire to never be fulfilled! It has become the longings, not to happen.
Next time, when coming across a strong woman, if you found her capable of overcoming her emotions, if you found her in control of her destiny, if you found her insensitive to hardship, remember that this is a projected image that has nothing to do with reality. Do not walk over her cause she can anyway take it; remember she is a human being and made of same flesh and blood as yours; she can sense, feel, and has emotions even though she successfully hides them all.
We choose to be strong, independent, untouchable and self-sufficient. Did I say it is not easy? Let me be honest, it is damn though! Many days, I just wish that I could let go of the tears, of the load, of the heart and of the guards that I have surrounded myself with; but each time I give in, the ugly truth turns up, I just don’t know why he is always on time, I can’t stop the fight to take a breathe cause he will just come up and hit me at the back harder than ever.
Did I say how much I miss being a fragile, dependant, none-resilient, needful doll? It has become a wish, to never come true! It has become a desire to never be fulfilled! It has become the longings, not to happen.
Next time, when coming across a strong woman, if you found her capable of overcoming her emotions, if you found her in control of her destiny, if you found her insensitive to hardship, remember that this is a projected image that has nothing to do with reality. Do not walk over her cause she can anyway take it; remember she is a human being and made of same flesh and blood as yours; she can sense, feel, and has emotions even though she successfully hides them all.
The untold (2)
It does not matter what you may think of me, saying this.
It does not mater how do you take it.
It does not matter if it scares the hell out of you, so what next.
It does not matter that you don't even believe in this fancy, I don't either.
It does not matter that you will tell yourself, this will also pass by like all the rest, sure it will.
It does not matter that there might be no future, it never meant to be.
But I still want to say: I think I am experiencing it again, I am feeling it again and I am sensing it again: there is someone in my life; and do not take me wrong, as I am not engaged or committed! Frankly, I hate the conditioning of mind created by the social networks. All it takes as your status are: single, engaged, committed or married. Well, the nomenclature is alright and you may use or ignore it, but the meaning it implies is out-dated and useless; trying to frame your status into phrases that were created 2000 years ago and could best fit the needs of people in those eras. Anyhow, I am not going into philosophy of the matter today, to the contrary I am more entangled with the feeling side of it, at least for today.
What matters to me is to get to know that it can happen! It can happen to me, to you, to everybody, that after all the trauma, all the failed relation, all the suffering, all the sleeplessness, all the helplessness and despair, we are still able to fall in love. We are still able to voice out the word "love" lightly and cheerfully, without its heavy weight on our heart, body and mind. We are still able to wake up one more day, open our eyes and the first thought of the day or conscious image of the mind be our someone, and not our direct reporting line, supervisor or potential client.
What matters to me is that despite all the effort to transform myself to a robot, in order to feel nothing, to need nothing, and to want nothing but material; I am still a human. I still need caring, intimacy, and affection. I feel I am still alive.
Lastly, what matters the most, is that the specie of my kind has not gone instinct! Not yet. There are people out there whom are of the kind, taste, orientation and style that I like and to more precise, I love. There are people out there who can invite you out for dinner and return you home hungry cause they are unable to find the suitable place to eat and yet you will accept their second dinner offer cause the first one was quite fun. There are people out there who will take you out for coffee and while leaving coffee table, you notice two untouched cups of coffee on the table; apparently, you forgot to drink the coffee though it smelled great, simply because the talk was far more intriguing. There are people out there who do not know the proper use of "love you" or "thank you" cause they do not need to utter it; it is in their eyes. There are people out there whom do not use words to describe themselves, cause there are no words for that matter; they give time to you to use your own discretion and get to know them and decide for yourself to like it or not.
What a relief that there are still my species living on this planet earth breathing the same air, sleeping under the roof of the same sky and walking on the same ground. What a relief that I can wake up one more day and tell myself: I still can fall in love.
It does not mater how do you take it.
It does not matter if it scares the hell out of you, so what next.
It does not matter that you don't even believe in this fancy, I don't either.
It does not matter that you will tell yourself, this will also pass by like all the rest, sure it will.
It does not matter that there might be no future, it never meant to be.
But I still want to say: I think I am experiencing it again, I am feeling it again and I am sensing it again: there is someone in my life; and do not take me wrong, as I am not engaged or committed! Frankly, I hate the conditioning of mind created by the social networks. All it takes as your status are: single, engaged, committed or married. Well, the nomenclature is alright and you may use or ignore it, but the meaning it implies is out-dated and useless; trying to frame your status into phrases that were created 2000 years ago and could best fit the needs of people in those eras. Anyhow, I am not going into philosophy of the matter today, to the contrary I am more entangled with the feeling side of it, at least for today.
What matters to me is to get to know that it can happen! It can happen to me, to you, to everybody, that after all the trauma, all the failed relation, all the suffering, all the sleeplessness, all the helplessness and despair, we are still able to fall in love. We are still able to voice out the word "love" lightly and cheerfully, without its heavy weight on our heart, body and mind. We are still able to wake up one more day, open our eyes and the first thought of the day or conscious image of the mind be our someone, and not our direct reporting line, supervisor or potential client.
What matters to me is that despite all the effort to transform myself to a robot, in order to feel nothing, to need nothing, and to want nothing but material; I am still a human. I still need caring, intimacy, and affection. I feel I am still alive.
Lastly, what matters the most, is that the specie of my kind has not gone instinct! Not yet. There are people out there whom are of the kind, taste, orientation and style that I like and to more precise, I love. There are people out there who can invite you out for dinner and return you home hungry cause they are unable to find the suitable place to eat and yet you will accept their second dinner offer cause the first one was quite fun. There are people out there who will take you out for coffee and while leaving coffee table, you notice two untouched cups of coffee on the table; apparently, you forgot to drink the coffee though it smelled great, simply because the talk was far more intriguing. There are people out there who do not know the proper use of "love you" or "thank you" cause they do not need to utter it; it is in their eyes. There are people out there whom do not use words to describe themselves, cause there are no words for that matter; they give time to you to use your own discretion and get to know them and decide for yourself to like it or not.
What a relief that there are still my species living on this planet earth breathing the same air, sleeping under the roof of the same sky and walking on the same ground. What a relief that I can wake up one more day and tell myself: I still can fall in love.
Why distant relationship is doomed to fail? (2)
Why do we talk to a friend?
why do we make a call?
why do we chat?
It is either to hear or to be heard! Perhaps there is something I want to share, through which I release some unwanted emotion or gain some that I am longing for. Frankly, it is nothing but satisfaction of a need.
Two days back I was thinking what to talk about when I get the call or make it, cause anyway either one will do it unconsciously; and the more I was digging the less I could find the topic. I was wondering what happened to that pile of untold? Actually, I found the answer: they were finished! The untold needed an ear, found it, and emptied up the buffer until it reached the point where the gage shows: normal. How do I know the status of gage to be normal? Unconsciously I said: "time to go home buddy! see you later".
How on earth could I come to the point of finished! The far too bragged intellectualism is nothing but a fancy shield I have developed to hide my fragile self, unsatisfied needs and unjustified desires so I can move on without hating myself! Cause I hate need and all the weakness it implies
Today, I had the same thought hanging above my head "what is to be said", but the earlier answer did not satisfy me this time. I have not been talking at all the whole day and yet I have difficulty finding the thing to talk about. Why is that? "the ice", "the intimacy", or "the distance"! Whichever! Consequences are the same; the gap will be felt sooner or later.
What stand do I take in dealing with it? Ignorance? Denial? Debate? Solution? Argument? I haven't decided yet, but I know that unless I actively and constantly engage myself in identifying this unspoken, unfelt and unseen problem and resolving it, the gap will grow wide. Bridging this wide gap in every day talk will consume all the energy reserves that I have and I know that at the end of this tunnel there is not light!
why do we make a call?
why do we chat?
It is either to hear or to be heard! Perhaps there is something I want to share, through which I release some unwanted emotion or gain some that I am longing for. Frankly, it is nothing but satisfaction of a need.
Two days back I was thinking what to talk about when I get the call or make it, cause anyway either one will do it unconsciously; and the more I was digging the less I could find the topic. I was wondering what happened to that pile of untold? Actually, I found the answer: they were finished! The untold needed an ear, found it, and emptied up the buffer until it reached the point where the gage shows: normal. How do I know the status of gage to be normal? Unconsciously I said: "time to go home buddy! see you later".
How on earth could I come to the point of finished! The far too bragged intellectualism is nothing but a fancy shield I have developed to hide my fragile self, unsatisfied needs and unjustified desires so I can move on without hating myself! Cause I hate need and all the weakness it implies
Today, I had the same thought hanging above my head "what is to be said", but the earlier answer did not satisfy me this time. I have not been talking at all the whole day and yet I have difficulty finding the thing to talk about. Why is that? "the ice", "the intimacy", or "the distance"! Whichever! Consequences are the same; the gap will be felt sooner or later.
What stand do I take in dealing with it? Ignorance? Denial? Debate? Solution? Argument? I haven't decided yet, but I know that unless I actively and constantly engage myself in identifying this unspoken, unfelt and unseen problem and resolving it, the gap will grow wide. Bridging this wide gap in every day talk will consume all the energy reserves that I have and I know that at the end of this tunnel there is not light!
Narcissus
When Narcissus died, the Goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.
"Why do you weep?" the Goddesses asked.
"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.
"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."
"But..... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.
"Who better than you to know that?" the Goddesses said in wonder, "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!!"
The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said: "I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."
- taken form Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
"Why do you weep?" the Goddesses asked.
"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.
"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."
"But..... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.
"Who better than you to know that?" the Goddesses said in wonder, "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!!"
The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said: "I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."
- taken form Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Unbearable Lightness of Being (2)
"Dance Like nobody's watching, love like you've never been hurt, sing like nobody's listening, live like it's heaven on earth!"
-Mark Twain
-Mark Twain
Unbearable Lightness of Being
Do you believe in taking life light or living it light? I do not believe in taking life light because it is not! Even if Milan Kundera claims so in his masterpiece: “Unbearable Lightness of Being”. Perhaps he himself does not mean that life is light, he somehow means that the being and the living can be light if you intend it to be. That’s why he picks an intellectual surgeon as the main character; neither career nor the characteristic belong to school of though that “life is light.”
How could life be light when you fall in love but are not able to express it, when you suppress your desires, when you survive one more day for the sake of the next, when you trade in time for tomorrow? How could it be light when you miss your mother’s touch, and your sister’s smile and you say to yourself, just a while more and I will have it? How could it be light, when you dream in Persian, think in English and live in Chinese? How could it be light when all you live with, are two suitcases not exceeding 30kg? How could it be light when your buffer of yet to come and yet to be fulfilled dreams keeps on stacking up?
Life on planet earth is not light, it is as heavy as Nitche believes; it is full of responsibilities, ownerships, obligations, and objectives, but how to take them it the key. The key to live it light or as the critique says: “dark”. Do you see it as a burden, do you feel the weight on your shoulders, do you sense the heaviness of your feet walking down the path of life, is your mind constantly preoccupied with questions of “how”?
As far as I remember I have taken the path of denial: I tried to forget, ignore, postpone, erase, escape and run away from all the loads that life has blessed me with. I have been running away all the time, from myself, my thoughts, my reality and my world. At one point of my life, I found myself exhausted and breathless in the race with reality. I had been running as fast as I could to stay ahead of him, so that I did not get to see his ugly face. I was smoking, drinking, eating, talking, partying, traveling, and working myself to death glorious that I live my life the way I want and nothing else matters.
Today, I know that it matters, everything matters and life is not light, or at least it is not to be taken lightly, it is all I have and I am going to live it once only. I know that I need to take responsibility, to surrender to reality and conform to play my part; but yet I can choose to play my part cheerfully, joyfully and lightly. I am not scared of the roles or the loads anymore, I am only delighted to be part of the play. It is time to play, cheer, dance and live it light-hearted as long as I am blessed with a ground to play in.
How could life be light when you fall in love but are not able to express it, when you suppress your desires, when you survive one more day for the sake of the next, when you trade in time for tomorrow? How could it be light when you miss your mother’s touch, and your sister’s smile and you say to yourself, just a while more and I will have it? How could it be light, when you dream in Persian, think in English and live in Chinese? How could it be light when all you live with, are two suitcases not exceeding 30kg? How could it be light when your buffer of yet to come and yet to be fulfilled dreams keeps on stacking up?
Life on planet earth is not light, it is as heavy as Nitche believes; it is full of responsibilities, ownerships, obligations, and objectives, but how to take them it the key. The key to live it light or as the critique says: “dark”. Do you see it as a burden, do you feel the weight on your shoulders, do you sense the heaviness of your feet walking down the path of life, is your mind constantly preoccupied with questions of “how”?
As far as I remember I have taken the path of denial: I tried to forget, ignore, postpone, erase, escape and run away from all the loads that life has blessed me with. I have been running away all the time, from myself, my thoughts, my reality and my world. At one point of my life, I found myself exhausted and breathless in the race with reality. I had been running as fast as I could to stay ahead of him, so that I did not get to see his ugly face. I was smoking, drinking, eating, talking, partying, traveling, and working myself to death glorious that I live my life the way I want and nothing else matters.
Today, I know that it matters, everything matters and life is not light, or at least it is not to be taken lightly, it is all I have and I am going to live it once only. I know that I need to take responsibility, to surrender to reality and conform to play my part; but yet I can choose to play my part cheerfully, joyfully and lightly. I am not scared of the roles or the loads anymore, I am only delighted to be part of the play. It is time to play, cheer, dance and live it light-hearted as long as I am blessed with a ground to play in.
The untold
On of the serious problems I have always had and have is “the untold”; the things I want to say but I do not say, the stories I have but do not find the right ears to tell them, the ideas that have filled in my mind and I can’t find the opportunity to share them.
Is this my problem or others also have it? Why is that I cannot seem to be getting along with it as easy as others do? I have convinced myself that I am the only human being that has this problem, aren’t I? Let me put it this way, either people do not have this kind of thoughts that I have or they do not feel the need to share it. I wish I could have either of these two categories: not to have anything to say or even better not to be in need of saying them. I have many friends and I credit myself as a good listener; at least as quoted by my friends. I can talk with people in any circumstance, I can listen to them and reflect, I can engage in discussions and actively participate in almost any debate; I am good at it but then I have no memory, at least in recent years, of having called someone to say: “I have something to talk about, a problem to solve, a feeling to overcome or simply a frustration or anxiety that I just need to shout out”. I do not do this because I am hopeless; I have lost all my hope to be heard, understood and felt. Maybe my expectations are too high!
Why and why I am unable to find the right one? Frankly, this is not the question that is killing me; my deep worry is that why nobody seems to be having a problem finding someone to talk to but me! Why do people get along each other so well, but I get bored? I just feel they do not understand me whereas they all seem to be coherently living and understanding each other perfectly well.
Why do I find it all superficial? Why and why do I need depth? I just thought maybe they have different viewpoints and I am stubborn in accepting any other view point but then let’s be honest, people talk but do they really have viewpoint? How many people do we know that have a stand about different matters in life, or have spent time to think about life, life matters and their meaning? How many people do we know who think?
To add to the misery, I am a girl! How does it contribute to the problem? Well, I know of many men who think and fewer women who do so; and please do not challenged me on this as we have successfully found ways to stop women from thinking of anything but their weight, loneliness and commitments. Anyhow those few intellectual men that happened to come into my way, have more interest in sexuality that intellectuality, so I am deprived to a small group of girls who are still lost in between office dress code and night gowns and I helplessly am looking for an answer to all my “why”s?
Is this my problem or others also have it? Why is that I cannot seem to be getting along with it as easy as others do? I have convinced myself that I am the only human being that has this problem, aren’t I? Let me put it this way, either people do not have this kind of thoughts that I have or they do not feel the need to share it. I wish I could have either of these two categories: not to have anything to say or even better not to be in need of saying them. I have many friends and I credit myself as a good listener; at least as quoted by my friends. I can talk with people in any circumstance, I can listen to them and reflect, I can engage in discussions and actively participate in almost any debate; I am good at it but then I have no memory, at least in recent years, of having called someone to say: “I have something to talk about, a problem to solve, a feeling to overcome or simply a frustration or anxiety that I just need to shout out”. I do not do this because I am hopeless; I have lost all my hope to be heard, understood and felt. Maybe my expectations are too high!
Why and why I am unable to find the right one? Frankly, this is not the question that is killing me; my deep worry is that why nobody seems to be having a problem finding someone to talk to but me! Why do people get along each other so well, but I get bored? I just feel they do not understand me whereas they all seem to be coherently living and understanding each other perfectly well.
Why do I find it all superficial? Why and why do I need depth? I just thought maybe they have different viewpoints and I am stubborn in accepting any other view point but then let’s be honest, people talk but do they really have viewpoint? How many people do we know that have a stand about different matters in life, or have spent time to think about life, life matters and their meaning? How many people do we know who think?
To add to the misery, I am a girl! How does it contribute to the problem? Well, I know of many men who think and fewer women who do so; and please do not challenged me on this as we have successfully found ways to stop women from thinking of anything but their weight, loneliness and commitments. Anyhow those few intellectual men that happened to come into my way, have more interest in sexuality that intellectuality, so I am deprived to a small group of girls who are still lost in between office dress code and night gowns and I helplessly am looking for an answer to all my “why”s?
Detach
-Detaching yourself?
“Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important—not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach.”
He opened his eyes. He exhaled. “You know what the Buddhists say? Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.”
-But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?
“Yes. “
-Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?
“Ah. You’re thinking, Mitch. But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.”
-I’m lost.
“Take any emotion—love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions—if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. “But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.’” Morrie stopped and looked me over, perhaps to make sure I was getting this right.
“I know you think this is just about dying,” he said, “but it’s like I keep telling you. When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”
...
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.
Morrie’s approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, “All right, it’s just fear, I don’t have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.”
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely—but eventually be able to say, “All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.”
“Detach,” Morrie said again.
-taken from " Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom
“Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important—not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach.”
He opened his eyes. He exhaled. “You know what the Buddhists say? Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.”
-But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?
“Yes. “
-Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?
“Ah. You’re thinking, Mitch. But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.”
-I’m lost.
“Take any emotion—love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions—if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. “But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.’” Morrie stopped and looked me over, perhaps to make sure I was getting this right.
“I know you think this is just about dying,” he said, “but it’s like I keep telling you. When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”
...
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.
Morrie’s approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, “All right, it’s just fear, I don’t have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.”
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely—but eventually be able to say, “All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.”
“Detach,” Morrie said again.
-taken from " Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom
Why distant relationship is doomed to fail?
Relation is the puzzle I cannot solve; it seems I can’t see the missing piece? The why, what and how gets on the way and I cannot convince myself to let the flow take me with it. I am looking for the very reason that makes relations such an inevitable and essential part of my life?
What do I gain from an intimate relation that I cannot gain from any other thing? What does an emotional engagement give me that despite all its difficulties, I still go for it? I begin, struggle to hold onto and suffer the loss of it; yet I keep on doing it again and again, I keep on repeating the same cycle.
For the need of it or for the joy of it?
I think this is the very dilemma, if it is for the need of it, I hate being needy and if it is for the joy of it then why does it always end up with suffering.
Then comes the distance relation! If the relationship itself is puzzle that I cannot complete, the distance one is a riddle to which I have no clue to resolve. What on earth a distance relation can give you that nothing else can? How on earth do you make sense out of a relation that is limited to few hours of talk per week, in its best form! I know and interestingly everybody knows that:
Studies show that your words account for only 7% of the message you convey. The remaining 93% is non-verbal. 55% of communication is based on what people see and the other 38% is transmitted through tone of voice. (ref)
So how on earth do I expect to maintain a sensational, compassionate and intimate relation with someone over phone, where I have access to that 7% and some portion of that 38%, provided I am using a very good means of communication? Let’s face it; there is no way to convey any sort of emotion. This is the very point that expectations get on the way, the very unsatisfied expectation I had when starting the relation itself. I keep thinking that I used to feel that good feeling, I did not need to dig for it, I used to be less sensitive; what has become of me?
Nothing! I am just not getting any of the 55% and some of that 38% out of the message from the other side of the line; and when I am not getting it, I do not look for it, I do not look for its signs, I do not consider the probable loss on the way, I just deny it, the subconscious mind denies the existence of that 80% altogether. I am left with the backlog of good feeling that I have difficulty to recreate.
Relation is nurtured by the attention, by caring and by dedication given to it; relation can bring intimacy, which is the essence of emotional satisfaction, nothing feels like intimacy. Intimacy is when untold is already known, felt and understood. Intimacy is when you do not need words to convey anything; the needless state of being. Intimacy is when you look at your mate and tell him his story, his feeling and his life as you see it, the joy is that you both know the story is accurate, said by either one
A distance relation after intimacy might have a chance but getting into a distant relation with someone hardly known and expecting intimacy to take place is a fancy; an ugly one cause it will eat you up over time. It is like a gradual death in which you are tortured without being able to shout out for help, you are frustrated without being able to look for a escape go, you are entangled in the net but do not dare to release yourself, all is for the hope that the next moment something good will happen and all this suffering will end, forgetting that the load of all these unexpressed feelings and messages that could not be conveyed, neither by you nor by him will take its toll on you even if you get to see him
What do I gain from an intimate relation that I cannot gain from any other thing? What does an emotional engagement give me that despite all its difficulties, I still go for it? I begin, struggle to hold onto and suffer the loss of it; yet I keep on doing it again and again, I keep on repeating the same cycle.
For the need of it or for the joy of it?
I think this is the very dilemma, if it is for the need of it, I hate being needy and if it is for the joy of it then why does it always end up with suffering.
Then comes the distance relation! If the relationship itself is puzzle that I cannot complete, the distance one is a riddle to which I have no clue to resolve. What on earth a distance relation can give you that nothing else can? How on earth do you make sense out of a relation that is limited to few hours of talk per week, in its best form! I know and interestingly everybody knows that:
Studies show that your words account for only 7% of the message you convey. The remaining 93% is non-verbal. 55% of communication is based on what people see and the other 38% is transmitted through tone of voice. (ref)
So how on earth do I expect to maintain a sensational, compassionate and intimate relation with someone over phone, where I have access to that 7% and some portion of that 38%, provided I am using a very good means of communication? Let’s face it; there is no way to convey any sort of emotion. This is the very point that expectations get on the way, the very unsatisfied expectation I had when starting the relation itself. I keep thinking that I used to feel that good feeling, I did not need to dig for it, I used to be less sensitive; what has become of me?
Nothing! I am just not getting any of the 55% and some of that 38% out of the message from the other side of the line; and when I am not getting it, I do not look for it, I do not look for its signs, I do not consider the probable loss on the way, I just deny it, the subconscious mind denies the existence of that 80% altogether. I am left with the backlog of good feeling that I have difficulty to recreate.
Relation is nurtured by the attention, by caring and by dedication given to it; relation can bring intimacy, which is the essence of emotional satisfaction, nothing feels like intimacy. Intimacy is when untold is already known, felt and understood. Intimacy is when you do not need words to convey anything; the needless state of being. Intimacy is when you look at your mate and tell him his story, his feeling and his life as you see it, the joy is that you both know the story is accurate, said by either one
A distance relation after intimacy might have a chance but getting into a distant relation with someone hardly known and expecting intimacy to take place is a fancy; an ugly one cause it will eat you up over time. It is like a gradual death in which you are tortured without being able to shout out for help, you are frustrated without being able to look for a escape go, you are entangled in the net but do not dare to release yourself, all is for the hope that the next moment something good will happen and all this suffering will end, forgetting that the load of all these unexpressed feelings and messages that could not be conveyed, neither by you nor by him will take its toll on you even if you get to see him
Pink Floyd (Wish you were here)
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
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