Dare to face helplessness

This March  I did a sailing class, a real sailing course with those laser boats!
It is actually as challenging as it seems! The course was totally four days, stretched over two weekends, Day one morning was fun, we got to know the basics, and then played around with a simulator on shore to familiarize ourselves with the basics! In the afternoon we got the boats in the water and practiced capsizing drill. I did perfect,! I was thrilled with content and excitement that I am going to be a great sailor!
Day two morning was the real sail, we got the boats near shore and tried to control it. It wasn't at all easy, I capsized twice! What's more, only two more pupils capsized that morning! the clumsy ones!!! Imagine my disappointment at the awkward situation, but I kept my cool, after all I just had made two mistakes ...
In the afternoon, the wind got stronger and the currents were not in our favor, I got my boat and headed the destination, it seemed pretty alright. It was a unique experience, sail was full in wind and I was full speed at "Run Direction". I can't t describe the joy and fulfillment I felt in that moment. Suddenly there was a strong current and I lost control, and capsized! "Not a big deal", I told myself! I brought the boat back upright and crawled back into it and started to take control of the boat, but the strong wind was persistent. Before I knew I was in the water again.
Within next 20 minutes I capsized five times; each time I straightened the boat up right, crawled into it, tried to take control and confidently started to sail, and yet I could not control the boat in the turbulent water. The coach was far, helping another pupil who had the same situation but had decided to let go of the boat and swim ashore! Coach had decided to help him first, observing I will hold onto my boat tight and will keep trying.

Exhausted, desperate and frustrated I looked around and suddenly there came the "jibe", the boom hit my head hard and the tiller extensions pierced through my left leg! The pain was unbearable! I was thrown into the water and I was in pain, but I still managed to bring the boat upright back from capsize and crawl into it

It was only then that the instructor reached with help, he sent over a guy to my boat to take control and asked me to lie low! At that moment embarrassment was added to the agony of having failed and to the physical pain all over my body. I couldn't sail for the rest of that day.
We had a week interval until next class. During next few days, fear was hard at work. Fear of not being able to do the sport that I loved so much, fear of having failed where many had succeeded, fear of being a loser if I didn't showed up, and fear of embarrassment if I showed up.
Fear has its own channels, tricks and self talk to prevent us doing what could be pailful physically or mentally! The fact is that I was conscious of what was happening in my mind, but I could not help feeling "helpless"! I felt absolutely helpless in controlling the boat in windy conditions! If only I could quit ...
Well, I didn't! I did show up in day three, but asked for some help before we sailed off. I got my help and I only capsized once in the morning and none in the afternoon. In day four, I had my own boat and I sailed all day without a capsize! Interestingly, everyone capsized at least once that afternoon.

Puala Ubon, Sigapore, 2006

I was afraid, helpless at points, exhausted most of the time and physically in pain by injuries, but I did not quit! I did not abandon my boat! I did not lose hope! I kept trying.
After that experience I thought I am invincible! I am a winner! But today, I did quit in a big challenge in life. Today, I stopped trying! Today, I accepted to be a loser!
When I got back to dating after a long long time, I thought I was experienced, mature and conscious enough not to hit a major blocker this time and if I did, I was not scared anymore. I thought I would be able to sail through the difficulties, I thought I could handle uncertainties and I would keep trying until I found a way to make it work.
How naive I was! I had not thought of the turbulences that hit you in the middle of a smooth sail, and will just capsize your boat in the middle of nowhere with no rescue. I just had forgotten about it!
And what do I do in face of such imbalances? I quit! I feel agitated, irritated, uncomfortable, scared and most importantly helpless! When the helplessness finds its way into my heart, I quit altogether.

Today, all my thoughts were revolving around this question, "why in face of the first turbulence in relation, I become so helpless and crippled that I abandon it altogether"! It is me, the same person who would never ever quit a boat no matter how many times I am throw out of it and it has capsized! Why is it that when it comes to relationships, I don't even wait for it to lose balance, I just jump out and swim ashore to be safe!
I wish I knew why...
I wish I knew what to do with it ...