Tears, Yearnings, Yoga - One

Part One - Tears

October 2007, Late night, Somewhere in the tiny island of Singapore 

-all set? 

-yes! 

-you have packed it all? 

-yes. 

-should I call a cab? 

-yes please. 

-can  I go with you to airport? 

-not if I can't hug or kiss you! 

... 

He knew the answer, so we both kept quiet.

The cab arrived, we shook hands, he vanished into the lift with his luggage. I locked the door, marched to the kitchen, grabbed two big black plastic bags, went into his room and emptied all that was left there. I did the same in his bathroom and then kept myself busy cleaning the place until midnight. 

I went to bed like a normal night, as if nothing had happened, woke up early, packed my yoga things and went straight to yoga club. The first five minutes of breathing and meditation was smooth and relaxing. We started Sun Salutation sequence: backward, forward, worrier, down dog, plank … 

I felt a strange wetness in my face. "Too early to sweat so much!", I told myself. Before I could wipe it out, it reached my mouth. It wasn't sweat! It was tear! I was crying. But why? I felt nothing, I wasn't sad, I was't angry, I wasn't heart broken! I just felt nothing. Cold, void, lonely, and anxious but I never cried for those feelings! There were no subs, no difficulty in breathing, no pain in my chest! It was simply a stream of tears flowing from my eyes, continuously, for the rest of 45 minutes of the yoga practice.

I have never been able to explain what happened that morning; it was as if my heart realized that I will not give in and will hold tight to stay on top of my emotions, so she made a shortcut direct to my eyes, and released herself through those tears. I would have never allowed myself to cry over a man!
The world is not ruled by my brain, it has its own rules!