who is who?

This has been in my mind for few days now, but I could not find the right way to verbalize it. All the while it sounded something like, are you needy? Or are you the weak side in the relation? Or how much are you into it?

Today, I was browsing through Facebook and this is not the kind of pass time I enjoy doing, I can’t even remember what triggered me to do it, maybe a birthday reminder alert or something like that. Anyway, I was looking at a friend’s profile photos and I thought to myself, he always chooses a photo of him with his girlfriend hugging each other for his profile; and this has been going on for about eight years now, I checked though his older photos and I noticed that, without a fail, he is embracing his girlfriend in any photo they have taken together. There was an untold message in all these photos, of his attention, caring and admiration for the girl. To my eyes, she is not very pretty, but happy. I don’t know how to describe, what was going on in my mind, neither I know what word will describe the untold stories of those photos, but it was not a gesture or a pose, it was genuine, intimate and loving feeling in every single detail. Then I suddenly had this aha moment!

Few months back, I was looking at graduation photos of another friend, who has started a relation about two years ago. Now, I know both these guys very well, I can read their eyes, the expression in their faces and the body signals. There was something wrong with those photos, or I better say, it did not look alright to me. All the while his girlfriend, that is a beauty, was hanging onto him, and he seemed pretty content but yet I couldn't feel love in the moment, it just simply wasn't there, I couldn't sense it. Well, I am not saying that I have sixth sense or the ability to read human beings and the like, but like any other human beings, I have certain intuitions and they were just telling me something is not right.

Today, in that aha moment, I realized that it is not about “who is hugging who”, it is about “who is who”, in a relation that matters the most. The person standing beside you, hugging you, touching you, talking to you, walking with you, or sleeping with you; who is that person to you? It does not matter if he/she is a doctor, professor, pilot, artist, musician, or a soldier; the question is who is he/she to you? An idiot? A fool? A loser? A sucker? A bugger? Or a trustworthy, loyal, devoted companion?

What is your idea about the person sitting next to you? What are your perceptions and expectations? What do you want out of this thing, be it a relation or hang out or a friendship or an intimacy? Where do you intend to go from here? Now, this is not even half of the story. The missing link is what the other person thinks about himself./herself in this situation. Unfortunately, we may know what we think, but we will never know what the other  person thinks.

Let me make the most common example in here in a feminine way, if a woman is in the relation for the sake of sex, and in order to enjoy the process, creases an intimate atmosphere, but the man is in it for pure wild sex, and being polite or insecure or uncomfortable, none verbalizes this intent; the two talk about their latest adventure trip in Kenya, or their space travel dream and the like. Where do you this relation is heading?

It is interesting that we spend a lot of time talking about things we like, the kind of food, clothes, style, house, and even vacation in details, and then we leave it to the other party to decide on what we want out of this. The question of “what do you expect out of relation?” seems outdated, the word “relation” itself is outdated. Am I the only one in here who is after some level of clarity about “who is who?” Am I the only one who feels awkward from time to time because I don’t know "where I am standing." Am I the only one who feels sad about the fact that there is someone, but you don’t’ know "who is that someone?"