A Time to Live

to pursue

2011-12-23T04:30:00.000-08:00

I have been mesmerized with the word pursue after the famous movie:
"pursuit of happiness"
The phrase originally comes form the United States Declaration of Independence, the complete phrase is:
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
The pursuit of happiness is the right of a man, and it is his choice to take it up or not.

Today I read an article in Forbes about how leadership in its true nature is a pursuit and this is the determining factor that can make a leader out of you.
The ideology is that once you are in pursuit then you are a leader by nature, if one is in pursuit of excellence, happiness, change, discovery, innovation, fulfillment and any life quality goal then he will lead himself to wards it and those who wish to be lead along the way. If there be a single characteristic in a person to make him a leader that definitely is pursuing a value. The determination and passion of the seeker in his pursuit will make the prefect leader. Maybe this is why it is said, management skills can be thought and learned by practice but not leadership.

سفر

2011-12-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

به کجا چنین شتابان؟

گون از نسیم پرسید

دل من گرفته زینجا , هوس سفر نداری؟

ز غبار این بیابان؟

همه آرزویم اما.... چه کنم که بسته پایم....

به کجا چنین شتابان؟

به هر آن کجا که باشد بجز این سرا سرایم

سفرت به خیر اما تو و دوستی خدا را

چو از این کویر وحشت به سلامتی گذشتی

به شکوفه ها به باران

Consciousness

2011-12-21T02:32:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to be self-conscious? or preferably have "self-awareness"?
It sounds a bit religious or spiritual to a certain degree, we usually hear it from zen masters and the Buddhist in their pursuit of enlightenment. Somehow it is the path to enlightenment; the ultimate virtue to be attained on one's way to unity.
I have found self-awareness such a valuable practice in daily life, when I put it in a question form:
why am I doing what I am doing?
why I need love or caring?
why am I offended?
why does it matter anyway?
why am I defining myself?
the last question is the killing one, give me a single rational reason for the time and energy we put into defining ourselves for others. We give them detailed description of what we did, do and will do, along with how, when and where. Then our reasons behind it with full description of what we think and why we think like that. But why we do this?

For me, we always follow the prime rule of nature: "whatever we do or we are tempted to do has a biological survival reason behind it". With regard to self definition, I wonder maybe this automatic behavior is due to a need created by brain to communicate as brain cells sustain their liveliness by activities such as talking, communicating, and engagement in intellectually demanding activities. It is the optimum way to keep brain engaged without heavily loading it. Another analogy could be our lack of trust in others, in getting to know ourselves from their perspective. We want them to know us and see us from the angel we wish them to see, like those expert photographers that will make all the necessary settings on the camera and find the suitable angle and then ask you to just press the shoot button! voila, this is how I wish you to see me...
The natural need to talk and share ideas is one thing and the need to continuously define oneself is another. If this need is practiced without enough consideration, it can become a destructive habit! People will feel that you are talking too much about yourself, you are telling them how to think and feel about you and yet they do not see the image you wish them to see, and they start to distance themselves from you and become less interested to interact with you and this is the point you define yourself even more...

Recession 2011

2011-12-13T04:01:00.000-08:00

When you are excused form your services in an office, which phrase will you use?
I was sacked!
I was discharged!
I was dismissed!
I was entrenched!
This lay off thing!
The recession again ...

What about the other party who is doing it, what phrase will they use to describe what they are doing? Actually they prefer not to talk about it! I assure you they will just keep silent about what is going on. How bad is it? use your imagination...
Just imagine what a daunting task a lay off can be, imagine you are asked to cross people's name in an employment list, imagine you are given the responsibility to stop someone's income with a single stroke of a pen, imagine you are trusted to choose who stays and who does not?

This is the third round in three years, and I have had enough of going through lists and wiping out people's name as if I am removing an item form a shopping cart; in recession times you clearly know that you are wiping out a pay cheque from a family's life altogether with little hope for a replacement pay cheque in short time!

Passive Listener

2011-12-09T14:07:00.001-08:00

A while back I decided to stop watching hollywood movies and I have been quite faithful to this vow except for few directors' works that nobody should miss same as I.

Anyhow, I believe Americans did the same thing to movie industry as they did to all other industries: INDUSTRIALIZE IT which is to provide all the means of making good money out of it, easily and risk-free. They have done a great deal of research and experiment to find all the themes and types of stories, plots, programs and shows that are favored by majority and can be easily sold; they have also laid the foundation for cheap production of such programs by making film industry look lucrative and appealing especially for youngsters, when there are many who will give anything just to be part of the game, then competition will be immense.

What is good about such competition? ask any business graduate for Porter's five forces and immediate answer will be: intensify competition to reduce cost, improve quality, and increase innovativeness in order to me most out of the industry. This is how Americans make money out of anything you may imagine and this is how they have successfully managed to make TV and movies industry a great money maker. In this equation we are the customers, the good old customers, we have made TV and movies an inseparable part of our lives. We just have comfortably changed into coach potatoes, whether at home or in a movie theatre!

Why I dare say this so bluntly? or actually why I believe in it so confidently?
Ask yourself when was the last time you made a good critique for a movie you spent two hours to watch! I specifically exclude the repetition of a specific dialogue or reciting of a scene or discussing the quality of cinematographic and artistic aspects. I am exclusively referring to intellectual, emotional and physical engagement similar to what we do in real life situations in order to be entertained, I am talking about the urge and effort we have in real life scenarios to contribute and be part of the activity. Compare this with passively sitting in the coach and watching a movie!

I can read your face: now this is ridiculous! It is not! I am not like this! Believe me, we have all turned into PASSIVE LISTENERS, we have lost our critical thinking and analysis skills; we just want to be entertained which is by all means is a good thing but by active engagement and participation in the process of being entertained rathe than passive listening with the perception that we are being entertained!

Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona

2011-12-09T09:30:00.001-08:00

Can we take tri-some?

Can we give into none exclusive love?

Can we love someone who also has interested in someone else?

Can we make love to someone who is in love with someone else?

Can we have sex with him?

what is the extend to which we reserve the right to exclusivity?

100%, or 95%?

what specifically need to be exclusive, caress, look, flirt, touch, love making?

Do we change exclusivity domain over time?

Its coverage as well as depth?

Do we give in and accept none-exclusive relations, seeing we are not gonna get it anyway?

or Do we mature and realize that it does not really matter?

Isn't maturity all about being more realistic or say getting to know what is achievable and what is not?

Isn't it about being honest with oneself about possibilities and to stop day dreaming?

What kind of movies could put so many un-answered questions into my head but something by Woody Allen!

Don't ever emotionally mess up @work

2011-12-09T03:39:00.001-08:00

Whatever you do, do not emotionally mess up with your boss, manger, subordinate, colleague...
Whoever it be, does not really matter, keep your love affair out! Out of the premises that money is made

Do not mess up with your boss, cause you never know if you are using him or liking him. You will never know is it a role you are playing or is it your true feeling, either of them you become vulnerable and exposed. Technically you can never love someone who always sits at the other side of the table and writes your KPI

Do not let your boss mess up with you, you will never know if he is using you or likes you! He might take your politeness and loyalty mask as attention and caring and then fall for you; at the end of the day, the boss gets what he wants, but you don't!

Devil of all: do not ever messup with your subordinate, a smart employee worth falling in love with, will be well quipped with all the necessary masks: politeness, loyalty, caring, attentiveness, respect, and dependability, the smarter the guy, the tougher it will be to tell the difference between his genuine feelings and masks he is wearing. Just stay away from subordinates

Act of Life - Role play

2011-12-09T03:22:00.001-08:00

Imagine roles we play throughout the day; we play role of cool romantic companion for our boyfriend, good girl for our mother. loyal and trustworthy employee for our boss, caring leader to our subordinates, reliable friend to our buddies, trustworthy citizen to our neighbors, ...

I think it is alright as long as we do not mix up one role with the other, somehow if we get to play either of the roles more seriously, say the roles we play at work or at home then we might be drawn completely into the role and tend to unite with it and stick to it for longer than we should.

Mother of all disasters is when we become the role, then the role and who we are become inseparable and life will be screwed as we live the life of an actor, that perhaps is not us at all, but one the masks we used to put on for one of the circumstances of life

Whatever you do, remember to play smart, play consciously and play joyfully, enjoy it the most, write your own screen play and play it, but do not play just for the sake of being on the scene.

Manhattan -Woody Allen

2011-12-09T02:34:00.001-08:00

why is life worth living?
That's a very good question.
Well, there are certain things, I guess,that make it worthwhile.
Like what?
OK... for me...
Ooh, I would say Groucho Marx,to name one thing.
And Willie Mays.
And... the second movementof the Jupiter Symphony.
And... Louis Armstrong'srecording of Potato Head Blues.
Swedish movies, naturally.
Sentimental Education by Flaubert.
Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra.
Those incredibleapples and pears by C?anne.
The crabs at Sam Wo's.
.
.
.
Tracy's face.

As we mature

2011-11-30T22:08:00.001-08:00

It is that we do not care?
Is it that there is nothing to care about?
Or we try not to care about?
Or we learn not to care about?

What a long way I have come to learn to hide it all! I tried to remember the day the journey began but I am thinking what does it matter anyway! Perhaps someone hurt me and I shielded my pride by not showing it, this way only my feeling was hurt and my pride was well preserved; amazing strategy! No-one will know out there what is going inside here, my projections are what I am willing to be, strong, unbreakable, untouchable.

I have truly lost it! I am not feeling pain, nor sorrow and with it I feel less of excitement and enthusiasm. I guess I have killed it all, the portion of brain that looks after the feelings, sensations, and love. I didn't want to kill it all, just wanted to erase the need for love, the urge to be cared for and the desire to be looked after, what a fool I was to perceive that it is possible. After all I managed to suppress it all together, all that we classify under the generic word "feeling", I am stripped of most manly needs and along with it most manly feelings.

Yet, from time to time I think I am maturing or to be more precise I am "aging"; I am somehow caring less and consequently I will be cared for less. After all, we are subject to natural laws; we learn from experiences and experiences tell us when we cared, we were hurt so why do it again. Am I being pestilent or simply considering worst case scenario to protect myself form the unknown?

I just miss the feeling of being cared for ...
I miss it so badly ...

The man from Earth (2)

2011-07-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

second thought:
aren't we all somehow the caveman? the jesus? the friend of Columbus?
don't we carry the gene?
aren't we sharing similar thought patterns if we read Sartre like a person from same era of his? or even a friend of his?

Figuratively, we all have the potential to be the caveman as defined in this movie,
Figuratively, we all have the potential to remember, to believe and to be faithful to our principles,
Figuratively. we all have the potential not to get rotten, not to get old, not to get used to, not to get trapped in the physics of our life and to keep going, moving, and learning.

The man from earth

2011-07-14T06:21:00.000-07:00

Dr. Will: you need help!
John: we all need help.
Dr. Will: well, some need it more than others!

I liked the movies, perhaps for the shocking questions they asked each other towards the end:
Harry: Linda was half right!
John: which half?
Harry: I have to throw away half of I know about biology!
John: which half?
Dan: so which half? are we supposed to keep and which half are we supposed to throw, this life is so full of possibilities.

I would not say it was very strong but since I was looking at it from psychological point view cause psychology is my main focus these days, then I would say it was a confirmation that to a large extend we allow our brain to be deceived, and despite all scientific evidences, we wish that ferry tales, myths and miracles were all somehow true and are still true and above all, they can happen to us.

footnote: I thought some time about it, I thought if I should at all say what I really was caught up thinking about, once the movie was over. It is strange that I spend more time thinking to write or not to write than than the time I spent to write a bout the movie itself.
Was I scared of stating my thoughts? well somehow yes, this can partially explain why I stay away from social networks, simply because I think differently! It has always been painful to be different, but this is 21st century for god sake! After all, it should not be a great deal, we all believe that we think differently. Yet, what I hate are the comments and judgements I get from people who do not bother to comprehend this difference and do not respect it with fairness! ok, you did not get it, let it be, you do not need to prove me wrong, to cover for your lack of genuine ideas!

look at this typical conversation at coffee shop:
-how have you been doing?
~everything is ok, how about you?
-I just came back from the trip to ...
~how was it? fun?
-oh, yeah, you know these people are...
judgments begin! no idea exchange, not critical thinking thinking, no intellectual engagement!

now look at this one after a movie:
-let'e sit down and have a drink?
gonna be same general talk, you get board and ask what do think of the movie, what was he trying to say?
-oh, such a pessimism! it was also weak and boring, no story!
to my amazement no ideas! only judgment, till I dare to say what I think abut the movie, so I put my idea on the table to be attacked!
-oh, no I think you are biased, you know I think...
the ball keeps on rolling, arguments, discussion and loudly stating what each one thinks about what the other person says, they missed that I did not put myself on the table to be criticized, it was just a single abstract opinion about a movie!

We criticize each other's talks, behavior and presumed thoughts, we have stopped thinking about the context, we are missing the skills for critical thinking. I have been paralyzed with the fear of being judged, my thoughts, character, personality, future and past for a statement or a claim or just an opinion regarding a specific matter in a specific context and perhaps specific emotional mental state.
Oh god! I have also become judgmental, this was supposed to be movie critique but ended up discussion critique!
I am going mad...

Death of Author

2011-07-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

"The reader is the space on which all the quotations that make up a writing are inscribed without any of them being lost; a text’s unity lies not in its origin but in its destination. Yet this destination cannot any longer be personal: the reader is without history, biography, psychology; he is simply that someone who holds together in a single field all the traces by which the written text is constituted."
Roland Barthes

The author dies, with his ideas the moment he puts them down or the moment he publishes them?
whichever, once read the author dies and the reader is born; it does not matter what the author meant, intended to say or thought, from there onwards the reader only matters and his understanding, the reader gives meaning to the writing the reader gives life and identity to the writing, the reader perceives, describes and comprehends.
Can we accept and face the fact that: the understandings of the readers is the true achievement of a writing, what the author means does not matter

Words are not enough

2011-05-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever experienced magical sex? I mean the sex after which you are speechless, you just lie down and you know that you have had the time of your life
It is this very moment that I love, when I find words useless and incapable of defining my feeling and I surrender to my eyes to do the job of describing how I feel and what a wonderful experience I have had.
If you have not experienced this in your life yet, then just stop what you are doing and find the one to give it to you, cause it is worth it! and if you have had it, but the one is no more with you then suggest me what to do?

Waiting for Godot

2011-03-07T22:37:00.000-08:00

a play which "has achieved a theoretical impossibility—a play in which nothing happens, that yet keeps audiences glued to their seats. What's more, since the second act is a subtly different reprise of the first, he has written a play in which nothing happens, twice."
-taken from wikipedia
Mercier, V., 'The Uneventful Event' in The Irish Times, 18 February 1956

Natural Born Employee (2)

2011-03-07T03:20:00.000-08:00

~When are taking the trip to sub-con premises for next phase of your project?
-I don’t know!
~I’ll be taking my business trip in a month, if you are also there, we can meet.
-Oh, great! If I am there then we can meet up, but I do not know when I am going!
~I heard you are the main contributor and person in change of major activities in this project, even the scope and schedule is determined by you, isn’t it?
-Yes, why?
~Then why is that you do not know the details? Isn’t it you who should plan and organize the entire project?
-Well if I am doing that part as well, what is our VP-operations doing?!
-BTW, I called to get to talk to you anything but job! Could we just forget about this and talk about something else?
~Sure, but when are you going to go!
-Oh, no! Not again!

This is between a friend and me! These lines keep on being repeated at the beginning of each call and I am still resilient enough not to follow up the project with my operational or functional mangers! I definitely would want to expedite the course of project, I would love to take the trip back home and I am quite excited to see my friend as well, but why am I not following up the plan, but he does?
He cares and I don’t! Sad part of the story: he does not care for the business, he cares for his designation, position and future in that business and I do not care for that matter at all! I do not care for the job because it is not that special, I hardly care for the designation because it is not outstanding, and I could not care less for any promotion in here because it will not have any significant impact either on my income or career portfolio! If I do not care for myself in this business, then how could I care for the business itself?
I believe manager or leader does not become one by education or certification; leadership is the way we think, our mindset, our paradigm and the lenses through which we see the world; according to Covey in “7habits” it is the map we are holding in our hand to guide us to our destination. Similarly, management is our behavior, reactions, responses and in a single word: attitude towards any stimuli in life.
I am longing for the next degree, next skill to learn, next multinational to work with, next, next, next …
Why can’t it begin now? What am I going to do in the next that I cannot do now? Unfortunately, I know the miserable answer: the next is going to do something for me! This is the Achilles’ heel; I mean the way of thinking and the mentality of looking for a rescue in some other place rather than engineering my rescue in the same place I am standing. I know the problem but do not know its solution…

Natural Born Employee

2011-03-04T02:20:00.000-08:00

-There are going to be changes in the organization chart soon!
~Really? why?
-It is not working! The structure, the layers and the hierarchy seems not efficient, operation cost is high, overlaps are frustrating and for a small company, it is considered too bureaucratic!
~Are you in favor of changes?
-I do not know what is going to be done, so I have no comment!
~How could you not know what is going on, you are a senior manager!
-Yes! But I requested to be excluded of this exercise, it is not my area, I am a technical manager; though a senior one, but still I am a technical person. I do not understand corporate level strategic plans, and frankly I do not intend to waste my time understanding it
~Ok, in that case, do you trust them for the changes, as you have left it to them to be done!
-What?
~Do you believe in them?
-What kind of question is that in a professional world?
~I just want to know if you believe in the organization top management team to take the best decision to handle the situation?
-Why should I care for that matter? Why should I care if they are right or not? Why should I care whether they make the best decision or not? I am just an employee. If they can take a better decision then I will stay or else I will just leave. It should not be difficult to find another company

This conversation was in between me and a lady who is running her father’s business or in other words a family business, and it hit me like a blow, how much she cared for the real thing and how little I cared for it. I am stuck with codes, circuitry, next innovative design and upcoming NI seminar on ARM design breakthroughs and she is looking at ...
where am I heading?

to be continued...

Solitude

2011-03-03T23:16:00.000-08:00

What is the limit to a person loneliness?
Extremely lonely
Absolutely lonely
Unbelievably lonely
When a glass is deprived of water, it is empty, you can say 10% empty or if you want to be optimist, 90% full. But when a person is deprived of company, can we quantify it? You would say why to quantify a feeling! Well, just to make it more understandable for the other party who is listening! Assume you want to describe how lonely you feel, if you use any of the descriptive adverbs, the whole discussion is subjective, the listener will form a presumption of depth and intensity of your feeling based on his opinion
Anyhow, I feel lonely, I feel as if I am living in a desert where I am shouting, running, escaping and then I find myself in the same place in the same environment as yesterday. I don’t even dare to say lost; what does it mean, to be lost or found in desert? You know. it gets worse at nights where it is cold, dark and too quiet, even to sleep. The sad part of the story is that I do not even envy to get back into a relation; the joy will be the first few days or maybe weeks, after a while, all that remains is expectation, obligation and commitment; at that point I will run gain to my solitude desert.
How I wish to find the place for my peace, out of desert, out of city, out of norms, out of common practices, out of ordinary life style, out of daily routines, out of here. Don’t ask me where, cause I do not know, if I knew I didn’t wait to tell you I would have just gone!

Resilience

2011-02-26T20:19:00.000-08:00

In the material science, resilience is the ability of a material to recover its original shape after a deformation.
Taken from "The Post American World" by Fareed Zakaria

The Glass Menagerie

2011-02-25T07:17:00.001-08:00

THe scene is memory and therefore nonrealistic. Memory takes a lot of poetic licenses. It omits details; others are exaggerated, according to the motion value of the articles it touches, for memory is seated predominantly in the heart.

Prison

2011-02-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

what is a prison?
Boundaries in which you are not able to do certain things. Prison is a nomenclature associated with "Can't"; things you want but can't do, activities you want but can't participate in, places you want but can't go and worst of all dreams you want but can't hope for. It does not matter that you cannot fly an airplane in a prison or ride a race car or win a boxing championship, cause they are not your concern; what bothers you most are the things you like and want to do and "can't" do them.

Does this sound familiar?
How often have you wanted to go on a adventure trip? what about Africa or south America? How often have you wanted to do something exciting, like sailing, diving, or parachuting? How often have you wanted to move out of the job, relation, or a house you are stuck in? How often have you wished to shape up your dream body, or build your dream life?

Let us take one moment of silence and listen to the objections of the unconscious for doing or not doing either of these: I can't, I am too old to begin, I do not have enough money for it and I do not have the time either. We have built a luxurious prison around ourselves and are living in it happily, in front of our TV sets along with our cell-mates, known to us as family and friends. We are convinced that this is all about life and it can't be better than this.
But I have made up my mind! Prison life is over for me; I'm gonna free up myself of all the cliche of "must, must not" or "can, can't"; it will be all about "want, don't want" from now on; I am going to experience life without boundaries, wall, or barriers. Lets bring down the walls, let's make an opening, let's not be scared of guards, and let's not be demotivated by our cell-mates that still murmur "Can't be done".

Prince Charming

2011-02-09T21:28:00.000-08:00

who is your prince charming?
can you describe him?
can you close your eyes and tell exactly how he looks like?
can you tell how he dresses, talks, or behaves?
can you tell what personality he has?
can you tell what outstanding features or characteristics he has?

I can't!
I never was able to tell in advance how he is like or should be like! I can't follow the cliche that he is supposed to be tall, handsome (by some definition), with a smile to kill or maybe a pocket to die for! I cannot agree that there are certain types of people out there with certain characteristics who can be tagged as "potential prince charming" in a generic term. I cannot even agree that based on my needs and priorities, I can filter people and narrow them down into a group among which I can find the one. I can almost like anybody provided that he does the right thing, say the right thing and show the right attitude in the right time, but I do not define "the right" ahead of time, cause it it so relatively dependent on time and space reality that I do not bother to define it in advance.
Falling in love is a process that happens, through which we find the one and form our "Prince charming"! Was he lost? Were we unable to see him? Of course he was not lost and we did see him alright! We might even have been in vicinity of the person for a long time without any intimate interaction in between; only when we open up our eyes and heart, the process of creating some entity which can be our "prince charming" will begin. To me, it is more a "becoming" process than a "being" thing.
I selfishly believe that the prince charming is made, valued and praised by me as creator; he is like a virtual character that exists in a cyber environment and lives within its walls. His dream life as the ruler of the empire or future king will sustain as long as the program is running and the other players keep playing.
Although I do not like fairy tales as their characters are prince or princess at first place but I do like the concept of breaking spells through affection. They say once a sign of deep affection is shown in the form of a kiss then the loved one, be he or she, changes into another form of being, different form what he/she was, into what he/she can potentially be.
Just watch out, in the process of making, who you are empowering into princehood of your kingdom...

Homme

2011-02-09T01:25:00.001-08:00

@the exit of sports club
-hi
--hi
-how are you doing?
--good, long time no seen!
-oh yes, I lost my mobile and all my contacts
--(you said the same thing last time)
oh! So how are you doing now?
-ok, you look good
--(you said the same thing last time)
thank you
-come, sit down here for a minute
--sure
-so you have been practicing more often
--well, yes, almost everyday
-oh, but what class do you do?
--anything! As long as it is morning and afternoon, I mean before or after office hours, I am not fuzzy about the class type
-oh, then I should teach you breathing techniques, you should do more of breathing! What are you doing this weekend?
--(here comes again, I bet he wants to teach it in his house)
well, I am quite busy these days…
-what time is it? what are you going to have for dinner?
--(oh, no! do not start again, we are through with this)
have not decided yet
-come, let’s go eat
--well, I can have a coffee

@starbucks
-what do you want?
--coffee! latte! what about yourself?
-I have a banana
--(then why the fuck did you invite me out for coffee, you want to sit down and enjoy watching me then at least bother to drink something, or perhaps you do not want to be busy with anything but enjoy)
ok, then I will only have my coffee

@the table
-so how do you meditate
--I just sit down and focus on my breathing and let the rest happen
-then you should follow chest breathing, see here
(gives 5 minutes demo of breathing)
--thank you for the hint, I feel more focused already
-I will teach you some more this weekend
--well, let me see how! I will call you if I am free! I'd better go now
-ok, have a good night

Needless to say the conversation is with a man! un Homme!
I am trying to understand them and and I have made no progress for the last ten years. I am still amazed when I see them sitting in front of me, struggling to find something to say! Anything that might interest me enough to continue sitting at the table! If they are bold enough, then they will try to seduce, or convince me for the night and they open a big credit account backed by their probable luck, outdated bluffs, and none-questionable charm! Since when men have become charming? Anyhow, I have no issue with their sexual drives, but why is it all they have and want! Don't they have any other interests, needs, desires, drives, motives and aspirations in life?

I consider myself a good company, attentive in conversations with a sense of humor, and knowledgeable and open minded for discussions. I seriously engage myself into sports, have a lot of fun things to do over weekend and enjoy my life in different ways. I can bee a good company for almost any kind of pass time activity but drinking! I can make lovely dishes, good coffee and deserts too. I can be sympathetic, understanding, compassionate and inspiriting if needed. Should I say more?
Let me make a bet, out of all those men that wished and wish to catch and keep me, I do not know of a single soul to have noticed any of above. These are my characteristics, these are who I am and so they have evidences written all over me, all someone needs to do is to observe! but they do not have time to observe, they only have one thing in their mind and one interest in me: "the one part of my body that they can hardly see and I also forget most of the time that I have it!
Give me a break and let me go enjoy my life! Empty up yourself some where else, isn't that why prostitution was invented? I am not against men, I am against living life the way hollywood is wishing me to live: physical seduction and materialistic joy.
If you know of any man whom you can ask "why me?" and he is capable of providing a clear reason for having picked you up, please dump him and give me his number!

Being Human

2011-02-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

I used to have a very good friend who believed, strong women had no choice but to be strong. In other words, their life circumstances confronted them with the ugly truth of living and thought them to be strong, needless to say, it is a matter of choice, they chose to be strong.
We choose to be strong, independent, untouchable and self-sufficient. Did I say it is not easy? Let me be honest, it is damn though! Many days, I just wish that I could let go of the tears, of the load, of the heart and of the guards that I have surrounded myself with; but each time I give in, the ugly truth turns up, I just don’t know why he is always on time, I can’t stop the fight to take a breathe cause he will just come up and hit me at the back harder than ever.
Did I say how much I miss being a fragile, dependant, none-resilient, needful doll? It has become a wish, to never come true! It has become a desire to never be fulfilled! It has become the longings, not to happen.
Next time, when coming across a strong woman, if you found her capable of overcoming her emotions, if you found her in control of her destiny, if you found her insensitive to hardship, remember that this is a projected image that has nothing to do with reality. Do not walk over her cause she can anyway take it; remember she is a human being and made of same flesh and blood as yours; she can sense, feel, and has emotions even though she successfully hides them all.

The untold (2)

2011-02-05T00:28:00.000-08:00

It does not matter what you may think of me, saying this.
It does not mater how do you take it.
It does not matter if it scares the hell out of you, so what next.
It does not matter that you don't even believe in this fancy, I don't either.
It does not matter that you will tell yourself, this will also pass by like all the rest, sure it will.
It does not matter that there might be no future, it never meant to be.

But I still want to say: I think I am experiencing it again, I am feeling it again and I am sensing it again: there is someone in my life; and do not take me wrong, as I am not engaged or committed! Frankly, I hate the conditioning of mind created by the social networks. All it takes as your status are: single, engaged, committed or married. Well, the nomenclature is alright and you may use or ignore it, but the meaning it implies is out-dated and useless; trying to frame your status into phrases that were created 2000 years ago and could best fit the needs of people in those eras. Anyhow, I am not going into philosophy of the matter today, to the contrary I am more entangled with the feeling side of it, at least for today.

What matters to me is to get to know that it can happen! It can happen to me, to you, to everybody, that after all the trauma, all the failed relation, all the suffering, all the sleeplessness, all the helplessness and despair, we are still able to fall in love. We are still able to voice out the word "love" lightly and cheerfully, without its heavy weight on our heart, body and mind. We are still able to wake up one more day, open our eyes and the first thought of the day or conscious image of the mind be our someone, and not our direct reporting line, supervisor or potential client.

What matters to me is that despite all the effort to transform myself to a robot, in order to feel nothing, to need nothing, and to want nothing but material; I am still a human. I still need caring, intimacy, and affection. I feel I am still alive.

Lastly, what matters the most, is that the specie of my kind has not gone instinct! Not yet. There are people out there whom are of the kind, taste, orientation and style that I like and to more precise, I love. There are people out there who can invite you out for dinner and return you home hungry cause they are unable to find the suitable place to eat and yet you will accept their second dinner offer cause the first one was quite fun. There are people out there who will take you out for coffee and while leaving coffee table, you notice two untouched cups of coffee on the table; apparently, you forgot to drink the coffee though it smelled great, simply because the talk was far more intriguing. There are people out there who do not know the proper use of "love you" or "thank you" cause they do not need to utter it; it is in their eyes. There are people out there whom do not use words to describe themselves, cause there are no words for that matter; they give time to you to use your own discretion and get to know them and decide for yourself to like it or not.

What a relief that there are still my species living on this planet earth breathing the same air, sleeping under the roof of the same sky and walking on the same ground. What a relief that I can wake up one more day and tell myself: I still can fall in love.

Why distant relationship is doomed to fail? (2)

2011-02-03T04:11:00.000-08:00

Why do we talk to a friend?
why do we make a call?
why do we chat?

It is either to hear or to be heard! Perhaps there is something I want to share, through which I release some unwanted emotion or gain some that I am longing for. Frankly, it is nothing but satisfaction of a need.

Two days back I was thinking what to talk about when I get the call or make it, cause anyway either one will do it unconsciously; and the more I was digging the less I could find the topic. I was wondering what happened to that pile of untold? Actually, I found the answer: they were finished! The untold needed an ear, found it, and emptied up the buffer until it reached the point where the gage shows: normal. How do I know the status of gage to be normal? Unconsciously I said: "time to go home buddy! see you later".
How on earth could I come to the point of finished! The far too bragged intellectualism is nothing but a fancy shield I have developed to hide my fragile self, unsatisfied needs and unjustified desires so I can move on without hating myself! Cause I hate need and all the weakness it implies

Today, I had the same thought hanging above my head "what is to be said", but the earlier answer did not satisfy me this time. I have not been talking at all the whole day and yet I have difficulty finding the thing to talk about. Why is that? "the ice", "the intimacy", or "the distance"! Whichever! Consequences are the same; the gap will be felt sooner or later.

What stand do I take in dealing with it? Ignorance? Denial? Debate? Solution? Argument? I haven't decided yet, but I know that unless I actively and constantly engage myself in identifying this unspoken, unfelt and unseen problem and resolving it, the gap will grow wide. Bridging this wide gap in every day talk will consume all the energy reserves that I have and I know that at the end of this tunnel there is not light!

Narcissus

2011-02-03T04:05:00.000-08:00

When Narcissus died, the Goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.
"Why do you weep?" the Goddesses asked.
"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.
"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."
"But..... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.
"Who better than you to know that?" the Goddesses said in wonder, "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!!"
The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said: "I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

- taken form Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Unbearable Lightness of Being (2)

2011-02-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

"Dance Like nobody's watching, love like you've never been hurt, sing like nobody's listening, live like it's heaven on earth!"

-Mark Twain

Unbearable Lightness of Being

2011-02-02T01:36:00.000-08:00

Do you believe in taking life light or living it light? I do not believe in taking life light because it is not! Even if Milan Kundera claims so in his masterpiece: “Unbearable Lightness of Being”. Perhaps he himself does not mean that life is light, he somehow means that the being and the living can be light if you intend it to be. That’s why he picks an intellectual surgeon as the main character; neither career nor the characteristic belong to school of though that “life is light.”
How could life be light when you fall in love but are not able to express it, when you suppress your desires, when you survive one more day for the sake of the next, when you trade in time for tomorrow? How could it be light when you miss your mother’s touch, and your sister’s smile and you say to yourself, just a while more and I will have it? How could it be light, when you dream in Persian, think in English and live in Chinese? How could it be light when all you live with, are two suitcases not exceeding 30kg? How could it be light when your buffer of yet to come and yet to be fulfilled dreams keeps on stacking up?

Life on planet earth is not light, it is as heavy as Nitche believes; it is full of responsibilities, ownerships, obligations, and objectives, but how to take them it the key. The key to live it light or as the critique says: “dark”. Do you see it as a burden, do you feel the weight on your shoulders, do you sense the heaviness of your feet walking down the path of life, is your mind constantly preoccupied with questions of “how”?

As far as I remember I have taken the path of denial: I tried to forget, ignore, postpone, erase, escape and run away from all the loads that life has blessed me with. I have been running away all the time, from myself, my thoughts, my reality and my world. At one point of my life, I found myself exhausted and breathless in the race with reality. I had been running as fast as I could to stay ahead of him, so that I did not get to see his ugly face. I was smoking, drinking, eating, talking, partying, traveling, and working myself to death glorious that I live my life the way I want and nothing else matters.
Today, I know that it matters, everything matters and life is not light, or at least it is not to be taken lightly, it is all I have and I am going to live it once only. I know that I need to take responsibility, to surrender to reality and conform to play my part; but yet I can choose to play my part cheerfully, joyfully and lightly. I am not scared of the roles or the loads anymore, I am only delighted to be part of the play. It is time to play, cheer, dance and live it light-hearted as long as I am blessed with a ground to play in.

The untold

2011-02-02T01:33:00.000-08:00

On of the serious problems I have always had and have is “the untold”; the things I want to say but I do not say, the stories I have but do not find the right ears to tell them, the ideas that have filled in my mind and I can’t find the opportunity to share them.
Is this my problem or others also have it? Why is that I cannot seem to be getting along with it as easy as others do? I have convinced myself that I am the only human being that has this problem, aren’t I? Let me put it this way, either people do not have this kind of thoughts that I have or they do not feel the need to share it. I wish I could have either of these two categories: not to have anything to say or even better not to be in need of saying them. I have many friends and I credit myself as a good listener; at least as quoted by my friends. I can talk with people in any circumstance, I can listen to them and reflect, I can engage in discussions and actively participate in almost any debate; I am good at it but then I have no memory, at least in recent years, of having called someone to say: “I have something to talk about, a problem to solve, a feeling to overcome or simply a frustration or anxiety that I just need to shout out”. I do not do this because I am hopeless; I have lost all my hope to be heard, understood and felt. Maybe my expectations are too high!
Why and why I am unable to find the right one? Frankly, this is not the question that is killing me; my deep worry is that why nobody seems to be having a problem finding someone to talk to but me! Why do people get along each other so well, but I get bored? I just feel they do not understand me whereas they all seem to be coherently living and understanding each other perfectly well.
Why do I find it all superficial? Why and why do I need depth? I just thought maybe they have different viewpoints and I am stubborn in accepting any other view point but then let’s be honest, people talk but do they really have viewpoint? How many people do we know that have a stand about different matters in life, or have spent time to think about life, life matters and their meaning? How many people do we know who think?

To add to the misery, I am a girl! How does it contribute to the problem? Well, I know of many men who think and fewer women who do so; and please do not challenged me on this as we have successfully found ways to stop women from thinking of anything but their weight, loneliness and commitments. Anyhow those few intellectual men that happened to come into my way, have more interest in sexuality that intellectuality, so I am deprived to a small group of girls who are still lost in between office dress code and night gowns and I helplessly am looking for an answer to all my “why”s?

Detach

2011-02-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

-Detaching yourself?
“Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important—not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach.”
He opened his eyes. He exhaled. “You know what the Buddhists say? Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.”
-But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?
“Yes. “
-Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?
“Ah. You’re thinking, Mitch. But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.”
-I’m lost.
“Take any emotion—love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions—if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. “But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.’” Morrie stopped and looked me over, perhaps to make sure I was getting this right.
“I know you think this is just about dying,” he said, “but it’s like I keep telling you. When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”
...
I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.
Morrie’s approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, “All right, it’s just fear, I don’t have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.”
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely—but eventually be able to say, “All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.”
“Detach,” Morrie said again.

-taken from " Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom

Why distant relationship is doomed to fail?

2011-02-01T04:33:00.000-08:00

Relation is the puzzle I cannot solve; it seems I can’t see the missing piece? The why, what and how gets on the way and I cannot convince myself to let the flow take me with it. I am looking for the very reason that makes relations such an inevitable and essential part of my life?
What do I gain from an intimate relation that I cannot gain from any other thing? What does an emotional engagement give me that despite all its difficulties, I still go for it? I begin, struggle to hold onto and suffer the loss of it; yet I keep on doing it again and again, I keep on repeating the same cycle.

For the need of it or for the joy of it?
I think this is the very dilemma, if it is for the need of it, I hate being needy and if it is for the joy of it then why does it always end up with suffering.
Then comes the distance relation! If the relationship itself is puzzle that I cannot complete, the distance one is a riddle to which I have no clue to resolve. What on earth a distance relation can give you that nothing else can? How on earth do you make sense out of a relation that is limited to few hours of talk per week, in its best form! I know and interestingly everybody knows that:

Studies show that your words account for only 7% of the message you convey. The remaining 93% is non-verbal. 55% of communication is based on what people see and the other 38% is transmitted through tone of voice. (ref)

So how on earth do I expect to maintain a sensational, compassionate and intimate relation with someone over phone, where I have access to that 7% and some portion of that 38%, provided I am using a very good means of communication? Let’s face it; there is no way to convey any sort of emotion. This is the very point that expectations get on the way, the very unsatisfied expectation I had when starting the relation itself. I keep thinking that I used to feel that good feeling, I did not need to dig for it, I used to be less sensitive; what has become of me?
Nothing! I am just not getting any of the 55% and some of that 38% out of the message from the other side of the line; and when I am not getting it, I do not look for it, I do not look for its signs, I do not consider the probable loss on the way, I just deny it, the subconscious mind denies the existence of that 80% altogether. I am left with the backlog of good feeling that I have difficulty to recreate.

Relation is nurtured by the attention, by caring and by dedication given to it; relation can bring intimacy, which is the essence of emotional satisfaction, nothing feels like intimacy. Intimacy is when untold is already known, felt and understood. Intimacy is when you do not need words to convey anything; the needless state of being. Intimacy is when you look at your mate and tell him his story, his feeling and his life as you see it, the joy is that you both know the story is accurate, said by either one
A distance relation after intimacy might have a chance but getting into a distant relation with someone hardly known and expecting intimacy to take place is a fancy; an ugly one cause it will eat you up over time. It is like a gradual death in which you are tortured without being able to shout out for help, you are frustrated without being able to look for a escape go, you are entangled in the net but do not dare to release yourself, all is for the hope that the next moment something good will happen and all this suffering will end, forgetting that the load of all these unexpressed feelings and messages that could not be conveyed, neither by you nor by him will take its toll on you even if you get to see him

Pink Floyd (Wish you were here)

2011-02-01T02:26:00.000-08:00

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Compatibility

2011-01-31T07:36:00.001-08:00

When do we become interested in someone?
Does it have to do with compliance to preset ideas and mindsets we have?
Does it have to do with our likes and dislikes?
Or he is simply compatible with our wants?

Which one do you believe in: Compatibility by default or by intent
Compatibility by default is when you naturally are fitting the dress without any trimming but by intent is when either you or the dress has to trim for the two to fit in

I always believed in compatibility by default, it is easy, reliable and irreversible (hopefully); I have faithfully waited all these years for "the one" to come by and free me up from the hassle of walking around with this dress in my hand, looking for the right fit.
Every now and then I have found someone that seems to be fitting, but then after a while I look closer and I see some places are loose, some are tight, combination does not look coherent, and all in all it is a mismatch. What option do I take? Obvious, find a more suitable one.
Today, I was listening to this audio about awareness and conscious living that I heard the click in my head: don't change the one, do not change the dress, do not trim either; look differently, observe closely, be aware and attentive and enjoy it as it is inhuman, imperfect, real but all true
We do not fit, we never will, how do we expect others to do so...

Fear

2011-01-30T02:38:00.000-08:00

I am standing at the middle of my life span and am about to take the next step, just one step further, one step more, one step so that I am not standing still. I want to move from where I am standing now, in my career, relation, lifestyle, education. I wish to take a step every day, every hour, and every moment; no matter how short but just to take a step, instead of standing still and even worse: settling

Apparently, I do take steps every now and then, but unconsciously. I do not ask either of the key questions: “what to do”, “where to go”, or “what next”; I tend to postpone the thinking and just stick to do what I am doing. How often I have left myself to the mighty hand of destiny and just did what came into my way? How often I have skipped the question, wiped it out, ignored it or just passed by? Most often in recent years!
This is “Passive engagement” in your life, it happens when you do it as it comes to your way, in contrast to “Active engagement” in which you ask the right question and find the right answer, and act accordingly (I will write about this some day)

One day, the question struck again, nagging behind my mind and that specific day, he decided not to go away, he stood there all day demanding an answer to the simple question of “what do you want?” when it did not fade away as always, I tried to answer it, I kept on digging for few days absolutely clueless, helpless and desperate for any possible answer and then I realized that all these years, it was not the question or the answer that I was escaping from but the fear of thinking about it. The fear that is associated with the process of finding the answer, the fear of thinking about those things I did not want o think about. It was then that I found deep inside I have two distinctive source of fear in dealing with “what next” question? The fear of the past, and the fear of future; there is no present in this equitation!

The Past
When the idea first hit my mind to take a step, my first reaction was to look back. I hardly looked at where I was standing or where I was heading, I just looked back to where I came from. Can you believe it? I looked back in order to decide what to do in future. I am this scared of my past, I have suffered this much by what has happened, I am haunted this deep inside that I just need to have a constant eye on my back, no matter what I want to do next
I am scared, to goof up again, to mess up again, to do something wrong again: wrong man, wrong job, wrong partner, wrong house, wrong friend, wrong hubby, wrong dress, wrong company…

The Future
What if this is not it? What if one day I realize that it could have been some other way? What if there be things I want more but I am unable to identify now? Is this really it? Is this really what I want? Will this really take me there? Where?
Fear of ambiguity of future, fear of getting to experience unknown, fear of dealing with facts that have not been revealed yet. How pathetic I have become by trying to find a step which will have a relatively good consequence despite the unknown conditions of tomorrow? How miserably human I have become to want to have it all irrespective of events? I am scared just because it is not clear, known, deterministic and controllable. I am scared because I cannot see the full picture from where I am standing, like the fear of darkness that is nothing but disability to see and whatever you can not see becomes scary.

The question is hanging like a sword and I need an answer but fear has paralyzed me, has crippled me from thinking, wanting and moving; fear of the past and of the future, fear of mistakes, fear of ambiguity, fear of going trough pain, agony or sufferings, fear of standing even one more second and fear of moving in any other direction

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

2011-01-30T00:47:00.000-08:00

Brick: what is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof Maggie?
Margaret: just stand on it I guess, as long as she can

Conditioned Thinking

2011-01-29T21:51:00.000-08:00

Human being is an incredible specie; we do praise ourselves for having conscious, the one thing that no other specie seems to posses, at least as far as our telescopes and microscopes show.
Yet, the extent of which this specie, is controlled and influenced by his subconscious is quite significant, this is what I like to call becoming conditioned.
We become conditioned; we start to think within a framework or a box that our brain builds. We start to tune to a special frequency, we faithfully maintain ourselves tuned to this central frequency with little deviations. We unknowingly follow a set of predefined rules in action and conform to preset rules in thinking, imagination and visualization. We are stuck in the bloody spider's web known as "supposed to be". Borders are known by keywords "CAN" and "CANNOT"; the determinants of boundaries we define for ourselves. We determine the extent of our field of operation exclusively based on mental condition settings.
How and why this unconscious is built is a long story, see a psychologist or Victor Frankl's "Search for Meaning". He describes how people are influenced by external factors, environment, society, culture and all those factors that shape our personality and character and define who we are. Scientifically, it can be discussed, proved and cured if you are a chronic case, but what about the rest of us who seem to be alright, who have no special symptoms or show unacceptable behavior; to the contrary we are pretty normal. We have easily learned to think within constrain or in other words, be realistic. We have effortlessly suppressed our fancies and now we can even dream within constrains.

You don't believe me! Haven’t we stopped dreaming of next vacation on Mars in a spaceship? Haven't we stopped dreaming of the prince charming riding on a white horse to save us from darkness? Haven't we stopped dreaming of miracles? Haven't we stopped dreaming of romance, of love, of true relations? Having we stopped dreaming of one day being found or finding the "ONE"? What does it take to be eligible for a chronic case treatment?
How much I miss those days when I was so naive, childlike and detached from reality to allow myself to just dream of anything, visualize it as if it was true with all the bright and vivid colors and then I used to live in them cause I just felt they can and will come true very soon

The Element

2011-01-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

has you ever thought clearly what you want in your life?
have you ever analyzed reasons behind the profession you have taken up?
have you ever mistaken the question of what you want with what you do not want?
have you ever thought of old ages?
how often the idea of your old age is accompanied with fear and worrisome?
what is the thought that follows it? is it either of:
I don't want to be nobody
I don't want to to be lonely
I don't want to be poor or miserable, or needy

It struck me this very morning when I was helplessly looking for an answer to this none ending tick behind my brain, what do I want in life, and I miserably am only able to think either about material things I want now and in future or about the feelings I do not want to experience in near or far future. How far have I gone in pursuit of a profession to empower me to gain and acquire a dream materialistic life? How deep am I drowned in doing what it takes to look after the fear; the fear of unknown, the fear of unexperienced, the fear of future, the fear of possible unpleasant feelings yet to be experienced? When did it happen? When did I totally stopped dreaming? when did I start to vegetate instead of living?
I am an engineer, this is what I do for a living, this is what I do 80% of my waking hours, this is me. Why did I become engineer? I liked it! Do you believe me? I wish I could also fool you that I truly loved it, as easy as I fooled myself! The truth is I did enjoy it more than the other options I had, I chose by elimination among the few options I had, and not by creation of new options of what I loved. I chose the one thing that seemed pretty interesting and yet could take me where I wanted to go: "to become somebody". I used to brag about it, that I have the guts and desire to be somebody; this morning I realized how inferior I though of myself when I tasked myself to be somebody. You know why? because it means I had accepted my being nobody, it is only when you are nobody that you wish for being somebody. I know at least of one person close to me who decided not to go to university; we all blames her for ruining her future; back then we missed to realize that she did no need to build or ruin a future, she did not need a future at all, she had present, she had today, she was living in "NOW". She was somebody in her world, she did not need to become one. She did not need to do or to have something to enjoy life; it was joyful already. But after all these years, I am still in the dilemma of finding what do I want to become and what I should do to achieve it.

For a long time, everything looked pretty all right, I was doing a good job, with dedication, passion, good sense of responsibility and prospect of rewarding career in my field, till I came to this book "the element" by Ken Robinson. I only took it up because of Steven Covey's comment at the back side of book cover:
"the element offers life-altering insight about the discovery of your true self"
and it did the job for me, I realized that element is not what you do or should do for the sake of outcome, be fame or fortune; element is what you do for the sake of the thing itself. Element is the essence of life, the very life itself, it is the reason you are alive, it is all that matters.
How many authors do you know who decided to be writer to make money? how many musicians? artists? And let's be honest, how many engineers, doctors, lawyers and businessmen do you know who irrespective of the reward will do his job faithfully and lovingly, and at the end will just be contented doing it, because that is what he wants to do.
Let's embrace the ugly truth, we have traded our dreams, I sold mine cheap.

Nadia

2011-01-26T02:56:00.000-08:00

Have you ever lost your reason to live?
Have you ever been in the dilemma whether to take the next breathe in or not to take it at all?
Has the voice in your mind ever bugged you what are you doing on earth?
Has it ever bothered you, what next?

For me, these are lined up in a queue in tick box, some message popes up randomly as tick box keeps on clocking my brain like a watchdog; I have never experienced sleep-mode in my brain processor. But, I have realized that “frequency of occurrence”, “message content” or even “wording combination” are of no importance as long as you succeed to find convincing reply and send the message back to queue.
How do you know you have not succeeded? When you find yourself sitting at the edge of a window thinking which way, “in” or “out”?
It happened to me three years back when I found myself stranded in a green desert without beloved partner, promising career, reliable residence or even hope for any better future. Every night I used to spend few hours at the side of the window, puzzled over the question “which way”?
Until one day you called, one of the few times you did it in those days. For over twenty years, I can only recall of two incidents that I felt being a close friend of yours.
First time was the day you came to my house, when you had decided to get married. I saw the determination in your eyes and I told myself I’ll do all it takes to make this happen, because she wants it.
Second time was the day you called me to say that it is not working and something needs to be done about it. I sensed desperateness in your voice over the distance and told myself, I’ll do all it takes to make her happy again, because she deserves it like any other human being.
Ever since that day I stopped sitting at window edge; something changed in my life, I could never describe how or what but I know that you became my reason to live, my desire to work, my motive to pursue happiness, catch it and share it with you.
All these three years we experienced things we had never imagined, but then we learned, “what does not kill us, will only make us stronger”. We struggled, we fought, we cried, we quarreled and we learned the depth of the love we have for each other
Yesterday, I finished the book “Man’s search for meaning” by Viktor Frankl. Apparently, having finished such a book, I searched for the purpose that has driven me throughout life. The list is long, but for the past three years, I only found one: the idea of you laughing freely, thoughtlessly, joyfully and truly, knowing nothing else matters in his planet earth anymore cause the worst is already over and come what may
Thank you for being my precious and worthy reason for living in the time I needed it the most

Objective(4)

2011-01-23T06:18:00.000-08:00

"Can’t you be human for once in your life?"
"What?"
"Human! Simple. Natural."
"But I am."
"Can’t you ever relax?"
Roark smiled, because he was sitting on the window sill, leaning sloppily
against the wall, his long legs hanging loosely, the cigarette held without
pressure between limp fingers.
"That’s not what I mean!" said Keating. "Why can’t you go out for a drink with
me?"
"What for?"
"Do you always have to have a purpose? Do you always have to be so damn serious?
Can’t you ever do things without reason, just like everybody else? You’re so
serious, so old. Everything’s important with you, everything’s great,
significant in some way, every minute, even when you keep still. Can’t you ever
be comfortable--and unimportant?"
"No."
"Don’t you get tired of the heroic?"
"What’s heroic about me?"
"Nothing. Everything. I don’t know. It’s not what you do. It’s what you make
people feel around you."
"What?"
"The un-normal. The strain. When I’m with you--it’s always like a choice.
72
Between you--and the rest of the world. I don’t want that kind of a choice. I
don’t want to be an outsider. I want to belong. There’s so much in the world
that’s simple and pleasant. It’s not all fighting and renunciation. It is--with
you."
"What have I ever renounced?"
"Oh, you’ll never renounce anything! You’d walk over corpses for what you want.
But it’s what you’ve renounced by never wanting it."
"That’s because you can’t want both."
"Both what?"
"Look, Peter. I’ve never told you any of those things about me. What makes you
see them? I’ve never asked you to make a choice between me and anything else.
What makes you feel that there is a choice involved? What makes you
uncomfortable when you feel that--since you’re so sure I’m wrong?"
"I...I don’t know." He added: "I don’t know what you’re talking about." And then
he asked suddenly:
"Howard, why do you hate me?"
"I don’t hate you."
"Well, that’s it! Why don’t you hate me at least?"
"Why should I?"
"Just to give me something. I know you can’t like me. You can’t like anybody. So
it would be kinder to acknowledge people’s existence by hating them."
"I’m not kind, Peter."
And as Keating found nothing to say, Roark added:
"Go home, Peter. You got what you wanted. Let it go at that. See you Monday."

from the book Fountainhead by Ayne Rand

War Zone

2011-01-20T03:03:00.000-08:00

I am not a gamer but I can imagine in strategic games you will fight tooth and nail to survive and to assist your allies to survive and all together you will be eliminating opponents. Any death in your team is a blow; you won’t rest until one enemy is killed as worth as the one you lost

The way the ground is laid in battle field means live or die; you cannot afford to lose key people, you cannot afford to lose many people, you cannot afford to lose the battle! Only because you have decided that you cannot afford to lose, otherwise in a computer game there two handy keys, you may use at your convenience:
1. quit
2. restart

now, imagine you are really fighting , not for your life but for your job! imagine you are facing a 25% head-count reduction mandate! ready?
no weapons allowed except for your mind. you start to lay the ground, plan your strategies and enter the game, maybe it is better to enter late, maybe enough is cut by the time you enter the battle; or then maybe it is better to begin first, you don't want to lose the opportunity to arrange the scene as you wish!
the ball is rolling, what do you think? what do you have to say? who is next victim?
blood shedding begins, first name to go is spelled out; someone named him, the name echoes in the room
what is the next move? fight back, justify his existence? sacrifice the pawn? who are you trying to save by letting the pawn down? knight? bishop? rook?

the battle is fierce, no implication, no explicitly talking of self and no exhibitions, but at the end we all know that the fight is over saving the King!
Long live the king

Conformity

2011-01-16T13:55:00.000-08:00

"Conformity is the process by which an individual's attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors are influenced by what is conceived to be what other people might perceive. This influence occurs in both small groups and society as a whole, and it may be the result of subtle unconscious influences, or direct and overt social pressure. Conformity also occurs by the "implied presence" of others, or when other people are not actually present. For example, people tend to follow the norms of society when eating or watching television, even when they are at home by themselves."
Source:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conformity

to be in group conformity or not to be?
to think or to follow?
to swim against the stream or let the flow take you?
to find your passion in life or just seek money?

Passion

2011-01-15T19:31:00.000-08:00

Should we look for our passion and find it or it will come by and knock at the door?
Should we start doing different things in life and after a while measure amount of joy and dedication we had, and then benchmark to see which one was our most desired or we simply continue to do what we are doing and let the flow of life bring the miracle into our way? (and by miracle I only mean a sign or an indication that something specific is actually our passion)
How much it matters to really be doing the passion of life at this very moment?
I am no making ay sense, world is in post-recession and there is not enough job for engineers and I am talking passion!

I should change the post title to "Objective", cause this is a question of objective. What is the most important thing in life: "to find what you love to do the most or love what you are doing?"

Objective(3)

2011-01-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

How can you express what you feel? how good you are to explicitly talk about a matter rather than implying it and expecting the listener to grab the idea?
We have a VP operations in our company who is the king of verbalization, he can capture a photo of his mental intention into an email by right choice of words, arrangement of sentences and proper flow of paragraphs to comprehensively lay out the subject in front of your eyes and take you where he wants. He does not have an MBA and he does not seem to be a kind of person to attend communication classes.
The key is "Objective", he not only knows what he wants to say but also why he wants to say it and then the how has come with practice.
Compared to me, I am doing great! When I started I wanted to write about how we can verbalize our feelings and thoughts about a subject and I ended up writing about objectives, purely because the problem of finding the objective has dominated my life, but then this happens at all times. I end up somewhere far away from where I intended, I am lost...

The idea of the one

2011-01-13T06:10:00.001-08:00

How are you doing?
How was your day? What was going on?
How was your night? what did yo do? Did you sleep well?
What news do you have?
...
5 minutes of silence
So what news do you have?
...

There is a need to fill the emptiness; there is an urge to break the silence; the unconscious mind can't bare to stand still, he has to do something, he has to say something. He is scared of being left out; he wants to be in control
The space, the void, the quietness is unbearable for his hyper mind, state of no action and no involvement makes him off-guard, he has nothing to hide behind, he is revealed naked and vulnerable

Unconscious is hard at work and he keeps on asking all the same questions to make you talk with the hope that the ice melts away, the shine in your eyes returns, the conversation begins and he regains all the confidence he needs by your presence.
And I am hopelessly thinking why doesn't he at least change the questions or even the order of asking? The problem is not the questions but him

He is not the one, he is not my one, I know it because I feel it
I know it because I don't feel like telling him , how cool was last night, how the birds woke me up in the morning, how the blue sky inspires me to go on into one more day
I know it because I don't feel like telling him how morning coffee is the drive of my morning run, why I don't buy more shirts cause I hate the puzzle of what to wear in the morning and how the early Roger Waters is all can make my day
I just sense it when I step into the car and feel like "not talking"

Partner

2011-01-12T07:25:00.000-08:00

Who do we call partner?
The person siting in the other side of dinner table, or the one siting beside us in movie all, or the one who absentmindedly calls us at lunch time just to say "Hi, I was thinking of you"

What do we want from a relation?
Ice-cream? Very unlikely!
Intimacy,passion, romance, love, caring, presence, attention, admiration, praise and many more of the same subjectively defined concepts? certainly not!

All I want is honesty! That's all that matters. how difficult it can be to find someone who can be honest with himself and then hopefully with the other party. the honest person knows at every moment how he feels and what he wants, because he is honest with himself, and decides to say it to the partner or not to say it but imagine that he will not lie, hide, or struggle to explain

I don't want sentiments, principles, commitments, deals, or promises anymore, I just want to trust every single word said and I want to hear it out loud confidently and bravely of the person living in a harmony of honesty

Nostalgia

2011-01-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

How far is far?
A thousand miles, few thousands miles or GMT+8.0
How close is close?
Same house, same room, same bed

Why does it matter at all to be near or far? Isn't time-space an illusion? Isn't life an illusion?

Objective (2)

2011-01-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

What do we want out of life?
What do we want out of relation?
What do we want out of friendship?
What do we want out of career?

I once read in a book that we have a more detailed list of what we want when going for grocery shopping at weekend compared to the list of what we want in life; sounds funny but it is true
I sometimes wonder what is the next thing I want, what is the thing that will make me extremely happy, who am I looking for, and what is that I want to do next, and to my amazement , I do not know the answer, just can't find it. It is lost under the pile of worthless nonsense that I have valued, card for and lived with when I was running with the fear of staying behind the crowd
I made up and took them over, but where are we heading, anybody knows?

striptease

2011-01-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

Blogging is like stripping!
It can be as joyful, scary and exciting in front of anonymous readers! If you are good you are read more and more and if you are not good, who cares!

Why people strip? To attract attention, through which can come money, praise, love, fulfillment and even joy. people blog for same reasons! Apparently any idea sharing is a form of stripping

But why is that mind stripping is so much favored whereas body stripping is detested? Why is that we easily spend hours talking with friends and strangers about our ideas, thoughts and viewpoints; we fully strip off layer after layer of our brain by talking more and more of what and how we think, but then we hardly go to nude beach naked!

I still have not decided which stripping is more appealing for me, but given the past experiences I am not going to reveal much when stripping; it is not on my part to show it all naked either mental or physical, it is the other party who should want to see more and find out how

Objective(1)

2011-01-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

Can we love by ration?
Can we convince ourselves to love?
Put brain into work, he will find thousands of reasons to dislike a person; with some patience he will find number of them to like one; but finding a reason to love someone is absolutely impossible, and I mean finding one and only one reason so strong that will make you surrender and say: "I have found my one and I am in love".
I have chosen my path in life, I'll go by ration

Obligation

2011-01-04T09:24:00.001-08:00

Do I write because you are reading it or do I have something to say
It seems to be both; I have two reasons to write, which means more than enough
why do we do a specific action? say a specific word and react in a specific way and not any other way? Either we want to or we ought to! I am challenging myself with ought to, I am resisting this obligation that drives actions in my life that need to be done by an unwritten rule
HOw much time have I wasted over obligations! how many moments have passed that I have not lived them but just passed them obliged to do something
It is about time to live for me free from obligations, even if it is as joyful as writing for you

a memoire

2009-12-13T23:17:00.000-08:00

قد بلند وصورت کشیده همیشه راست میشست و گوشه لبش خنده ای بود که محو نمیشد حتی وقتی بدن نیم جان دختر ده سالش رو که سرطان مچاله کرده بود رو تو بغلش گرفته بود

نمیدونم بابا کجا پیداش کرده بود

بابا عاشق دوست پیدا کردن بود

اهل یه جایی بود به اسم دو هزار بالای کوه

خودش میگفت هر روز یک ساعت پیاده راه میرفته تا به مدرسه برسه

Determined

2008-09-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

در دنیا هیچ بن بستی نیست
یا راهی خواهم یافت یا راهی خواهم ساخت

living in gray areas

2008-09-06T03:37:00.000-07:00

dedication & devotion
commitment & responsibility
love & praise
respect & loyalty
fun & romance

Which is which?
Where are we standing in each moment?
Are we living in a black and white world or is it all in grey areas?

I noticed that I've been spending hours defining my stand in between these lines; sometimes it even gets worse and I spend time defining others stand, then I fix their position and let them rest in peace in a small circle of character allocated to them, or perhaps let my mind rest in peace by attaching one or maybe two words to a person and living in peace with that
I love colors but have slipped into a grey world and I am happily living in it; worst of all is that I don't remember when this happened

Commitment vs Devotion

2008-08-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

Devotion is a pieceful word, full of passion; it flows
Commitment is a heavy word, loaded, full of sacrifices; it is given and taken

What makes me love devotion and hate commitment?
Obligations!
I want to be devoted, love, care and praise as I feel and wish; I don't want the need and necessity to be committed to a certain code of conduct in my sensational relations. I won't commit and won't ask for it ever again; this is a time to live with devotion

Commitments (4)

2008-08-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

We get to know people, become interested, enjoy spending time with them, like their presence and fantasize their caring. We let the joy drive the relation deeper and deeper and forget that a relation has too many faces, only one is joy. Once the relation has dominated our lives, it can't hide its true nature and other faces show up; joy transforms into want and then into need; with the ugly face of "need" comes duty, obligation and commitments. Need spreads like a virus and infects the entire relationship; then it starts to consume up all the resources we have for love, affection, passion and happiness.
We know that we're into a sick relation but don't wanna give up; don't wanna lose it, don't wanna admit that we made a mistake; we let the sick relation survive in the most disastrous condition, but don't let it away...

Quote of the day

2008-07-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

When the character of a man is not clear for you, look at his friends.
Japanese proverb

Commitments(3)

2008-07-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

"To be me"
All I wanted was to be myself and not to be someone or something else
All I wanted was to decide for myself what is right or wrong and not to be forced into it
All I wanted was to be me

I escaped from that prosperous future & secure relation just to be me
Now, I can be myself
Now, I can be proud of myself or least easy with myself and not ashamed of it
Now, I can choose what to do, where to go, how to live

No judgments, No guidelines, No commitments

Just Ordinary

2008-07-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

"I have become ordinary"
"I have become so miserably ordinary"
I don't remember when it happen; must have been when I was busy working, building a career or pursuing happiness
Last night for the first time I looked around myself in Swissotel Asia-bar and felt it right hanging over my head: "You are just a common fuck body"

Once upon a time I used to be quite special; special for my parents, friends, boys&girls in university and even colleagues; I even felt special with my dentist, psychiatrist, skin care doc, lecturer. They could distinctively tell me why they had this special feeling for me. Now, there is nothing outstanding that anybody can highlight to differentiates me with the rest of the world: "The magic is gone"
Have I lost it, did he steal it from me or he consumed it all up or maybe it has gone invisible? Doesn't really matter anymore, it's now the real world where I have to live like ordinary people with no powers

I had my time to use it and didn't, there may come a day that I am no more ordinary but unwanted, let's live the ordinary life to its full before it's too late

Commitments (1)

2008-07-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

He is a businessman,
What you will see is a super business with that Elegance Mercedes and First class tickets …
He’s got a good looking, lovely, loyal wife and a highly educated, classy daughter, married to a prosperous man…
What else do you need to see? I guess nothing

Now, let me tell you what I see:
An old man, in his 60s that unfortunately thinks he is in early 30s

He is married to the most lovable creature in his world: his business
A long lasting, successful marriage although sex free but it is full of excitement, challenges and happy moments
He has been fully faithful and devoted to his wife
Nothing can distract his thoughts or change his feeling for his love

He also has a kid to take care of: his official wife
It happened completely accidental, it can happen when you are young
He fell in love with a girl and officially married her and ever since has been taking care of her like a spoiled child

Besides, he has a lover: his daughter
She is smart, good looking, educated and prosperous
They date (at home of course for family dinner) and when dating, she teaches him life lessons
She likes him like a lover, believes in him, follows him and cares for him but then calls him dad

Lastly, he has a bunch of pets: his mistresses
These female pets, happen to be young, attractive, charming and fatally sexy
The pets are all he needs, they love him as long as he feeds them then they’ll find another feeder and he’ll find a more interesting pet

Perfect life, I don't wan to be stuck in one...
who wants?

There will be Blood

2008-07-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Daniel to his fake brother:

I have a competition in me

I want no one else to succeed

I hate most people

There are times that I see people and I see nothing worth liking

I want to earn enough money I can get from everyone

I see the worst in people

Sounds quite familiar...

American way

2008-05-15T01:08:00.000-07:00

"Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both."
Benjamin Franklin

Sunrise

2008-05-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

هرروز طلوع میکند بی وقفه و خستگی ناپذیر
و من در عجبم ار این همه سخاوت بی منت

Good Night & Good Luck

2008-04-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

Just finished watching watching the movie, "good night and good luck".
couldn't sympathize with the story, although from cinematography point of view, it was a piece of work, each scene was a well managed photo for itself.

Anyway, its a true story about how a CBS reporter Ed and his producer Fred challenge and attack senator McCarthy for exploiting threat of communism in 1960s. I don't wanna go into the plot, but liked one of the closing conversations between Ed and Fred:

- Senate's gonna vote to censure McCarthy tomorrow.
- Probably.
               
- And then what happens?
- He sits in the back row.
- Right.
               
- They keep him in the Senate. They don't kick him out.
- No, he stays.

People like McCarthy are ruling our world, people who won't easily quit, no matter how disgraceful they have behaved. The most we can do is to sent them to the back seat for a short while, till they fight their way into the front seat again and again. If we choose to take the stand, we'd better be prepared for the never ending fight.

Being Julia

2008-04-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

you like 'em but they don't
you need 'em but they don't
you fall in love with 'em but they don't

you comfort them, they deceive you
you sacrifice yourself, they step over you

whose fault is it?
It's not Julia's fault to believe in love
It is the boy's selfishness to pretend to be in love just to sleep with her

It's not Julia's fault to have faith,
It is the boy's disloyalty to throw her away once he is done with her

but it is Julia's fault to have belief or faith in men

فریدون مشیری

2008-04-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

زندگی صحنه ی یکتای هنرمندی ماست
هرکسی نغمه ی خود خواند وازصحنه رود
صحنه پیوسته بجاست
خرم آن نغمه که مردم به سپارند به یاد

دنیای کوچک من

2008-03-27T00:23:00.000-07:00

هر کاری که میخواهی میتوانی بکنی, میتوانی تظاهر کنی که اصلا مهم نیست ولی پشت این ظاهر ساده و مظلوم همیشه فقط یک فکر هست: سکس
اصلا من تازه فهمیدم که مردی که یک خانم واجد شرایط ببیند و دلش نخواهد حتما مریض است, تاره فهمیدم که اگر سر افسار را شل کنی حتما این اسب سرکش زمینت میزند, این ربطی به نژاد یا اصالت یا تربیت یا هیچ چیز دیگری ندارد. او دلش میخواهد و دست خودش نیست هنر من است که افسارش را در دست بگیرم و مهارش کنم. حیف که آنقدر نمی فهمد که از سواری اش لذت ببرد فقط میتواند لگد بزند و نابود کند. اصلا ساختن, ایجاد کردن و پروراندن یک هنر زنانه است, خدا مردان را برای کار دیگری آفریده است

Happy masculine life

2008-03-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

Live like men, think like 'em, work like 'em, love like 'em and now smoke like 'em!
I claim to be feminist; to value women's equality to men, but in fight for the equal rights I became one of them. Is it what we wanted, to be like them to have their rights? Perhaps in the world that they set the rules, we have to play by their rules to be in the game then one day we might get the chance to change some; till then happy masculine life

Life

2008-03-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

زندگى كردن مثل دوچرخه سوارى است. آدم نمى افتد، مگر این كه دست از ركاب زدن بردارد

million dollar baby

2008-03-10T00:49:00.001-07:00

Beyond his silence, there is a past. Beyond her dreams, there is a feeling. Beyond hope, there is a memory. Beyond their journey, there is a love

عاشقانه

2008-03-06T20:10:00.001-08:00

تو به من خندیدی
و نمی‌دانستی
من به چه دلهره از باغچه‌ی همسایه
سیب را دزدیدم
باغبان از پی من تند دوید
سیب را دست تو دید
غضب آلوده به من کرد نگاه
سیب دندان ‌زده از دست تو افتاد به خاک
و تو رفتی و هنوز
سال‌ ها هست که در گوش من آرام، آرام
خش‌خش گام تو تکرارکنان می‌دهد آزارم
و من اندیشه کنان غرق این پندارم،
که چرا خانه‌ی کوچک ما سیب نداشت!

حمید مصدق

HAPPYNESS

2008-01-24T00:30:00.000-08:00

The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)
"There is no why in happiness it is i!" Will Smith is trying to make the Chinese baby-caretaker understand he has misspelled happiness into happyness.
To me it is not possible because for him there is no I in anything forget about happiness, but I admit again there is also no "Y" either!

The title of the movie is derived from the words of Thomas Jefferson in the United States Declaration of Independence; which is itself derived from Common Sense by Thomas Paine.

Karma Sutra

2008-01-21T22:47:00.000-08:00

Karma Sutra, by Alfred Gockel

Bits & Pieces

2008-01-13T22:38:00.000-08:00

This place if so full of bits and pieces of his memories that I can't take it anymore, need to find myself a job

I still care

2008-01-13T19:00:00.000-08:00

Originally when he left, I had only one worry, to SURVIVE! Now, I have another worry, to LIVE! I could survive and even beyond I could live to some extend, but for a person like me who wants to live life to its fullest, this wasn't enough!

It was easier at the beginning, the idea was survival having lost a love! I tried to find replacements and I comforted myself that he does not love me anymore, perhaps he didn't from the very beginning! I kept on reminding myself " I was not enough for him"

when he called first time, it was still easy: "I have no interest in having your number or talking to you" all I needed to say and things went on smoothly, till an email came from a mutual friend telling me that he is not good and he might need me...
Later, the call came, with me shouting, crying and asking to be left alone!However, it had already penetrated through my defence system! Insomnia followed with the idea that he might still have some interest! The walls I had carefully built around my heart simply cracked, I was helpless with fear; what if it becomes known that I was in love with somebody who left me behind, simply because I was not enough for his ambitions!

It hearts, feels like someone is stabbing a knife direct into my heart, it's a sharp, sudden and deep pain that takes up all the energy left in me! I am in a losing battle with the world; don't wanna give up, but have no energy left to keep me going.

Storm

2008-01-13T02:05:00.001-08:00

الان یک طوفان حسابی راه افتاد! حتی طوفان هم اینجا تبدیل به روزمرگی شده

Once upon a time, I believed him

2008-01-10T22:44:00.000-08:00

الهي به هر كه دوست مي داري بياموز كه عشق از زندگي كردن بهتر است و به هر كه دوست تر مي داري بچشان كه دوست داشتن از عشق برتر

دکتر شریعتی

The big thing

2008-01-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

There is a pantry in the corner of our office flat; with a sink, cabinets and water dispenser; no coffee machine of course, but there is a microwave oven. Yesterday I noticed a box with transparent cover over the microwave oven, inside which there was a medium sized brownie cake covered with almond chips on top.I was bewildered; you won’t buy such a big cake in Singapore, could be costly and there is no reason anyway, almost everything comes in small sizes. This morning the cake was resting on the same spot, obviously untouched!

My goodness if this was Iran the cake was history in a matter of minutes! Here is Singapore, it will rest in peace for eternity, and honestly I can’t make it “why”!

People don’t bother to ask who put it there and why?! Everybody is busy making money, building future and improving his career! There is no time for small happiness, you need to save it all for the big one; just work hard, earn more money and save, the big thing is on the way…

Empty chair

2008-01-05T00:46:00.000-08:00

He is on the other side of the table, they are always on a different side; talking about his problems, as they always do, they never as abut your problems
I am sinking; I do not care about the man on the other side; no more questioning myself about beauty, age, understanding, caring, sensation, manners, sentiments and what so ever, all that matters is that someone feels like sitting on the other side...
I can't take the empty chair anymore

Beach Party

2008-01-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

My first real New Year Eve in SilosoBeach; Sentosa! For me, 2008 will b a year to be remembered; I let myself go and truly enjoy the evening! I got drunk and I was well taken care of; there are still considerate and sensational men out there, let’s hope they are not all committed

I enjoyed it a lot and I don’t regret it at all! I am not sorry for having been crazy drunk little kid! I am not ashamed of having cried and confessed of being lonely! I feel blessed to have had a fascinating company to maximize the pleasure of the night.

I don't know a bout years to come, but next days to come won’t be as lonely as they used to be...

My romantic nights

2007-12-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

Who is on the other end of the phone, hardly matters; I only care for lady on this end

The Walls

2007-12-30T04:40:00.000-08:00

I stole this from a friend's Orkut scarp book:
Sometimes we put walls around our heart, not just to be safe from getting hurt, but to find out who cares enough to break them down....

Scared

2007-12-29T02:36:00.000-08:00

Just watched the movie "single white female"; it is not a special piece, except the one comment Hedy passes to Alllie at final scenes; Allie claims that she is a strong woman and nothing can scare her that much, then Hedy simply says: "I have never seen anybody so much frightened of being alone"

I'm in the same league, strong and unbreakable for an outside point of view but deep inside the idea of being alone among some 6 billion people living on earth scares the hell out of me!

The right place for love

2007-12-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

I was too young when I saw Solyaris by Andrei Tarkovsky; but I clearly remember movie's claim that earth is not the right place for love. Love deteriorates faster on earth than any where where else! Lovers are stuck with daily life and tend to hurt each other far too often! Tarkovsky says one needs to leave earth to learn to love.

Singapore is truly not the right place for love; people are too tired and too busy making money! I felt this when I was in Istanbul just two days back. In Istanbul love is in the air! I felt it in every single creature, even sun was playing a love affair with shadows, light angle was romantic in morning and dusk. Here is Singapore sun has a task to accomplish; it sets out with a fast pace early morning; in the evening sun is too tired of a full day's work, when shadows start to play around with the romantic light of sunset, sun has no energy to respond and sets down in haste to take some rest for the coming day. Even sun is more productive in Singapore...

Istanbul, Grand Bazaar in the morning

Blue Sky

2007-12-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

درسته که وقتی هست آسمون آبیه اما وقتی نیست هم آبیه , شاید هم آبی تر

What is Entrepreneurship?

2007-11-21T01:16:00.000-08:00

It is to be brave enough to try what others say and believe will not work
It is to try one more time where all have failed
It is to take the pen and draw something and build it, then think of making it work! (nothing works in the mind)
It is to do when others are talking
It is to be tolerant to ambiguity and take it deep inside; not to plan ahead of time

If I just knew what to do with memories

2007-11-21T00:42:00.000-08:00

مشکل عشق نه در حوصله دانش ماست حل این نکته بدین فکر خطا نتوان کرد
غیرتم کشت که محبوب جهانی لیکن روز و شب عربده با خلق خدا نتوان کرد

to be SMART or not to be

2007-11-16T15:37:00.000-08:00

I am lost, there are millions of things I want to do, and I find myself doing the least exciting one all the time, I think that I have lost the focus of my life, what I want to do?
The other day I found an article in NYTimes about the stereotypes in American male society to appreciate women's beauty above their intelligence. That's not all, it claims that "very smart women have less chances of a good date". I am thinking to chose to be smart or beautiful

Memories

2007-11-15T16:27:00.000-08:00

I can feel it: the painful missing thing! I think I do miss him, it is two weeks and it is getting worse. I wish we had spend some more time together and I had more memories...
He never had time for me, now I realize that I was not enough for him.

دوست

2007-11-13T18:09:00.001-08:00

این رو چند روز پیش تو بلوط دیدم خیلی دوست داشتم
دوستی فقط به اسم نیست. انرژی می خواهد و وقت. باید طرف را از اول شناخت. با حساسیت هایش و تمام خاطرات و تاریخش آشنا شد. بعد دانست کدام حرف را زد یا نزد. بعد فقط هم که به اسم نیست. باید دلجویی هم کرد و باید بشود حرف دل را هم زد. از رابطه هایی که الان دور و برم است راضی ام. دلم نمی خواهد این شبکه روابطم را بیشتر کنم. به عمق رفاقت بیشتر از طول لیستش اهمیت می دهم. دیگر هم جوان هیجده ساله نیستم که برای همه انرژی داشته باشم

Chocolate World

2007-11-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

I was unwrapping one more chocolate paper, that I thought what makes it so exciting to select one from a box, unwrap and taste it? To me it's the adventure of opening sth that I know is sweet, but I just need to find out "how exotic the taste would be".

When I was younger, I used to look at things like a piece of chocolate, I fancied the idea of the thing inside; so I started exploring inside of things; people were same, I tried to reveal their inside with the hope of sth exotic! Soon, I realized that I'm not unwrapping, but I'm scratching and peeling off skin that is part of the person. I came to believe that there are two types of people; for type one there is no rapping, the whole thing is what you see, there is nothing hidden, like it or not the person is all you see; however, in type two the person is so closely rapped up that is stuck inside, there might be something inside but there is no way to it.

Now, I have stopped the urge to look behind the people's masks, I do not care anymore, cause I do not believe in chocolate world anymore...

هزار تو

2007-11-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

احساس میکنم در هزار توی خاطرات قدیمی گم شدم، امیدی هم نیست که کسی برای پیدا کردنم حاضر به زیر و رو کردن این دالانهای باریک باشه! من باید از اینجا بیرون بیام

Be careful what you wish for, you may get it!

2007-11-07T00:41:00.000-08:00

It is already one week and I can hardly believe that a completely new stage in my life has begun; a time to live alone all by my own. I had dreamed of this life for so long that can't believe it has happened...
but then I am not sure if it's what I truly wanted